Love Taps
by CheekyBrunette
Summary: Jeff is falling apart and no one can see it, no one can fix it... Except maybe Nick Duval. Warnings: Self-harm, Verbal Abuse, Eating Disorders, Depression, Language, and a little fleeting moment of Child Abuse
1. Chapter 1

**I'm having a "to hell with everything. I'm sad and depressed, and I need someone else to feel this way for a while so NEW MULTICHAPTER" moment. So yeah. Let's get angsty all up freaking in here. **

Why was it that the people who were supposed to notice never did? How come you could be walking down a hallway at school and everyone looks at you like they can… like they can _see _your hurt and _see_ your pain, but your own best friend doesn't seem to notice at all? What makes complete and utter strangers able to look right through you, but allows those closest to you to accept every lie you give them?

Jeff just didn't _get it_. He needed help. He definitely needed help, but… but no one was coming. No one was _seeing_. He was falling apart inside, and he didn't have anyone to fix it, to fix him, and shit, shit, _shit_, did he need someone to fix him.

Jeff Sterling walked cautiously into his house, barely dodging his younger brother's soccer cleats that were blocking the doorway and very nearly knocking over his sister Jessica's cello that was resting upright on the wall. Oh gosh, she'd never forgive him… Jeff seriously hated coming home for vacation. If he had it his way, every day would be a regular Saturday during the school year. That way, he wouldn't have to worry about school _or_ home, and… yeah. That sounded pretty ideal to him.

His duffle bag dangled dangerously off of one shoulder as he tried to close the door silently. He _placed_ the handle next to its lock, trying to avoid the dreaded click sure to come as soon as he let it go, anything to avoid that click…

_Click!_

Crap.

"Jeff…? Jeff, is that you?" came a voice from the kitchen, and the blonde straightened up as much as he could, trying to look proud and brave. He could do this. Spring Break was beyond short this year, a five day long weekend basically, and he had spent the first two days at Nick's house. It was Saturday night. Two days. He only had two days.

"Yeah, Mom. I… I'm home," he replied. The petite blonde woman appeared in the mudroom, regarding him with cold eyes. They seemed to trail over every inch of him, leaving Jeff feeling completely exposed. He needed her to just leave. He was tired of fighting, and Nick hadn't listened to him in the way he needed him to earlier, and… and Jeff just wasn't up for this.

"God, what have they been feeding you?" she asked, her tone highly critical and her gaze like fire on his skin. His mother burned right through him. "Every time I see you, you freaking put on weight. What, like I don't pay your _ridiculous_ dance class fees for you to put them to use? I don't _need_ to help your fagginess along, Jeff. You should at least give me a reason to," she said flippantly, and Jeff crossed his arms around his stomach. He wasn't fat. It was just her. It was her, it was her, oh _crap_, please let it just be her.

"I'm sorry, Mom, I'll try harder."

"Hmm… you always promise me that, Jeffy, but it seems to me that you never do," Mrs. Sterling concluded lightheartedly, like she was just poking fun at him a little. Jeff adjusted the bag near falling off of him a bit higher on his shoulder before wrapping his arms a bit tighter around himself. He tried… he tried so hard… he just didn't know how to get any better. He couldn't be more than… than _this_. Than him. Than nothing.

Jeff caught Jackson's face half hidden behind a wall in the hallway, watching their conversation. He wasn't that much younger than him. Why didn't he come and help? Why did no one ever come and help? He could also just make out James's eyes peering at him over the banister of the stairwell, a couple feet behind Jackson, through the door of the mudroom. He was twelve. Jeff couldn't blame him. Jessica was probably hidden upstairs in her room somewhere. She had hated him since… well, whatever. "I promise. I just… I just want you to be happy."

"Oh, Love. Go on up to your room… It's useless to try to make me happy with you," she laughed, brushing her hair off of her shoulders, and Jeff sighed. Same old, same old. Sometimes he liked to pretend on his drives home that she would actually care for once or maybe at least have something nice to say. It was depressing how swiftly reality reminded him of his place. Jeff gathered up what was left of his dignity and walked past a silent Jackson and James. Jackson didn't talk to him. James sort of went along with everyone else… He didn't really get it. Whatever… No one freaking did…

He tried not to sprint up the stairs; Jeff wasn't allowed to run in the house. His siblings were, but he wasn't. That's how it was. He burst into his room and closed the door quickly behind him, slightly out of breath and looking at the door as if it would suddenly burst open with his mom –having sprouted fangs and tentacles- on the other side about to eat him. He seriously wished his room had a lock…

Jeff allowed himself to take a moment to calm down before dropping his bag on the ground and surveying himself in the floor length mirror between his desk and bookshelf. Oh no… Why did he have to look the way he did? Why? Jackson and James were everything Jeff wanted to be… They were loved. Heck, they were _liked_. They had the right faces, and the right bodies, and the right brains, and the right… _preferences_, and it was so obvious that his mom favored them over him. They were the normal ones. They were the ones that _kept_ his dad around, not pushed him away like he did.

He was awful. He was so, so _awful_. He didn't _deserve_ a zero-bullying policy; he didn't even understand how people could even possibly adhere to that when it came to him. He looked like a girl. He really did. And it was obvious that others seemed to think so. People at public school… his dad… his mom… they all had and still loved reminding him of the fact every day. _Faery face, faery face, faery face…_ Before all the drama at home went down and when his siblings still talked to him, even _they_ would whip out the nickname whenever they deemed it fit to ruffle his feathers.

And now he was a _fat_ girl.

Awesome.

This was actually a new insult from his mom. Jeff wasn't that surprised. There was so much material to work with when it came to his existence, that the constant things his mother found to prod at never seemed to run out. And yes. Now that he was looking at himself, he could see what she meant. His face was too full, his arms too pudgy, his dancer abs not worth anyone's time… Jeff had sort of been trying to fill out muscularly lately, but he was so freaking ropey… he must not have been trying hard enough. He must have been eating too much. Luckily, weight was something he could fix. He could _do _this one. Just because it was Easter, it didn't mean he needed candy. He didn't need to eat anything. His mom would see him succeed at getting better this time. He could do this.

A soft tap on the door had him jumping, and he tentatively crossed his bedroom, hesitating before opening it. He saw James's blonde mop of hair before he had the door widened more than a crack, incredibly grateful it was him visiting and not anyone else. The relieved feeling in his stomach turned to lead when he noticed the tears streaking down his younger brother's cheeks. "I… I don't get it," he wailed, crashing into Jeff's waist, and he wasn't quite sure what to do.

"Wha~?" he asked, unable to wrap his mouth around a full word due to the air having been momentarily knocked out of him. His brother was currently too busy sobbing into his shirt to answer, so Jeff led them over to his unmade bed, plopping them both down on the mattress and hugging James's back until he calmed down a little bit. "What's wrong, JayJay?" he questioned.

"Why can't we be friends anymore, Jeff? Why does mom, and Jess, and Jack all hate you?" James was now pretty much a mess, and Jeff had no idea how to answer. This is _not_ what happened when he came home. He was supposed to just go up to his room, struggle through some uncomfortable family meals as his mom verbally abused him and his sister glared, and then go back to Dalton feeling more depressed than ever before. But this…? No.

"Cause Dad left, James," he answered, not wanting to give more than he had to. This hurt. This hurt more than anything else, because both he and James knew why their dad was gone, and it wasn't because of a freak accident or a car crash. It was because Jeff and his _gayness_ had been too much to handle. It was because Jeff was so despicable that it countered out the love their dad felt for the rest of their family. It was because of Jeff's bad life choices and his uncanny ability to get tripped down the stairs or punched in the face. It was because of him, and they both knew it.

"But… but… but why would he do that to me? We used to be bros, and now… now what… now wh-what am I supposed to do?" Jeff sighed. This was not his problem. This was not something that he wanted to have to deal with. He loved James so much… He loved all of his siblings. But he hadn't been the one to drop them, even if it was his fault.

"I'm sorry," he said because he _was_. Jeff was always sorry.

James continued to be a puddle of tears on his bed, until eventually Jackson came in and took him away without a word. That was probably for the best. Jeff could appreciate him acting as the older brother he was and protecting him like that… but it didn't make things hurt any less. He had dwelled over things long enough to stop questioning why they wouldn't forgive him. He understood the multitude of reasons there were, but… It's not like it didn't sting every time Jackson looked right through him or Jessica glowered down at him.

Jeff just wanted to be loved. He was tired of feeling so alone all the time… Jeff leaned back on his bed, not bothering with sheets or a pillow. He was tired. Tomorrow was Easter. Without a doubt, it would be long…

**Oh my gosh. Who's amped for tomorrow's update? Yeah. You all should be. Also, I made a really cool One Direction Power Point focusing on why people love them. For the record, it's totally because they cuddle so much… Well, that and a bunch of reasons. But seriously, look 'em up and try to find a picture with two or more of them and they're not touching.**

**Then try not to be attracted to them.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The computer I've been writing this on is awful. I can't even… ERG! But whatever. I shall endure it for all of you. My plan today is to write like a winner and just get some stuff done.**

**Also, for the record, I kind of love looking at my story summaries lately cause of all the warnings. Am I the only one who sees those and just gets REALLY excited? Ugh, YES! **

Jeff woke up early. Well… he was woken up early. Easter meant a lot of cooking, and a lot of baking, and –unfortunately this year- a lot of not eating. Jeff had a ham in the oven and pineapple stuffing on the stove for dinner, and was now sweating over about six teen pounds of French toast. He was just sticking full plates on the table when his siblings rushed down the stairs, eyes lighting up at the Easter baskets laid out in the dining room.

Oh. Jeff hadn't actually noticed those. He didn't really need to look to see that there was nothing in his. There was _never_ anything in his. In fact, Jeff was pretty sure the only reason it made it out from the basement every year was to remind him of his place. Something empty always hurt more than something missing, he supposed…

Crap, why did she have to _be_ like that? Why couldn't she at least… at least _pretend_ to care? Why couldn't she be the mom she was in public or when others were watching? Why did he have to be so awful? Why couldn't he have just been born someone to love? Why did he… why did he have to _be_ this way? Why did he have to look the way he did, love the gender he did, be this person that no one wanted… Jeff just wanted to be _wanted_.

He was warming up syrup on the stove, his gaze switching from the sauce pan on the burner to his family in the dining room. They were smiling and popping open CDs and tugging on their new Swatches. Jeff was trying not to burn his hand on the base of the pan as he poured its contents into a little creamer container. Eventually, his brothers made it into the kitchen, digging in immediately despite the wary way they were regarding him, his mom and sister adopting identical glares as they entered the room.

Mrs. Sterling looked at the French toast on her plate distastefully, eyebrow arched. She took a tentative bite and immediately spat it into a napkin. She shook her head and threw Jeff a disapproving look. "Oh, honey. You've really outdone yourself with this one… I don't know how anyone could mess up French toast." Jackson's and James's forks paused in midair. "I don't know how you boys can stomach it," she said lightly, and James frowned.

"Because it tastes _fine_, Mom," Jackson spat, surprising Jeff completely. Their mother just smiled.

"Okay, okay, you're right. We won't let it ruin our Easter," she said in a way completely void of all positivity. Jeff's heart dropped into the pit of his stomach, and he brought his fists down on the island counter. Just today and tomorrow left. He sat down at the foot of the table, not missing it when his mother immediately stood up, grabbing some fruit salad from the fridge and making her way upstairs. His sister slammed her silverware down on the table and did the same, leaving Jeff and his brothers sitting alone.

Jeff stared down at his plate, stabbing his breakfast over and over again with his fork, not in the mood to eat much of anything, especially not something with such empty calories and low nutrition value. Jackson eventually finished eating, resting his fork down on the side of his plate. "I… I'm sorry, Jeffy," he said quietly, and then ran from the table, bounding up the stairs to get ready for church.

Jeff was confused. He threw James a quizzical glance, and the younger boy just shrugged. "I don't know what's up with him… We were talking in his room, and I said I missed you, and then he said that some stuff wasn't fair, and… Whatever. Now I don't know what he's doing." Jeff felt something weird twist in his stomach, and James smiled at him. "Want help with the dishes? Sunday is supposed to be my turn…" Jeff shook his head numbly, and James looked oddly disappointed but went upstairs.

No.

This wasn't his life. This was some weird dream world, not reality. Actually, no. This was a _nightmare_. Everything was just… it looked to be on the up, and that was only going to send him crashing down so hard… He put his elbows on the table, breathing slowly through his nose and rubbing his temples with his eyes closed for a minute before gathering up the abandoned plates on the kitchen table and making his way over to the sink.

He absolutely hated this. Crap, he… he didn't know what to _do_. He put the water on before flipping out his phone and grazing through his contact list. Shit… He didn't have anyone to call. _He didn't have anyone to call_.

The thing was with Jeff… he didn't really talk about his home life with anybody. What was there to say? He didn't understand what was going on himself, and… how was he supposed to let people in like that? People couldn't… people couldn't love him the way he needed them to, and they couldn't possibly care about who said what to him. And besides. What teen didn't have problems with their mom?

He stuck his phone back into his pocket as he started on the dishes. He could call Nick… but no. No. He was upset with Nick. Because as hard as it was for him to talk about his mom and talk about his home, he had been starting to, but Nick had cut him off.

"_Nick… I don't think I can go home today. Do you think I could just spend one more night here? I know I'm over staying my welcome, but my mom-"_

"_Okay, Jeff. I love you, and you know that, but I haven't seen my family in months cause of school, and I really want to spend some time with them. Plus, tomorrow is Easter. Don't you think your family wants to see you? I know you don't really like them, but come on, man."_

"_I know, but… the thing with my mom is-"_

"_Bro, you always talk bad about her. Cut the woman some slack. You said your dad left just a little while ago, right? She has just as much to deal with as you do right now, and you know she's only trying to help you be the best person you can be. It's a mom's job to lay down the law once in a while, so seriously stop griping. I don't think you hear her right."_

Gah, Nick was supposed to be the one who listened. Why didn't he ever just _listen_? Jeff had to try so hard to open up, but Nick… Nick couldn't seem to see that. It had taken all of his courage to tell him that his dad had walked out, and he had practically blown it off. He thought it was just because he didn't want to make it awkward for him, but… but it was kind of obvious that he didn't really care all that much. No one cared…

And Jeff needed Nick to care. He needed Nick. Nick was his reason for waking up in the morning and getting out of bed. He… he actually looked at him. He included him. He took care of him. Jeff sometimes thought he was a bit too nice for his own good due to how he always allowed him to tag along and drag him down, but… Shoot him if he wasn't completely grateful.

Oh, Nick Duval… just _saying_ his name didn't do it justice. You'd have to get a choir of angels to sing it… Jeff could melt into his voice, his eyes, his everything… Just looking at him had Jeff's own eyes glazing over. He didn't understand how he of all people got to room with the perfection that was Nick. Someone perfect should be, not someone so… unfortunate as him. It honestly didn't make sense.

Jeff was thrown out of his thoughts when he heard the garage door opening. Ah. His family was off to church then. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that he wasn't invited. He was _never_ invited. Heathens weren't welcome in church, so neither was he. Instead, he got to make nine pounds of potato salad for the collective Sterling and Jobe families. Every year, both their next door neighbors and all of his extended family would pour into the house, and ever since his dad left… Well, Jeff got to make everything. And if it was good, his mom took the credit. If it was bad, then he did.

Ugh, Jeff hated everything. He was tired of this desperation that had somehow settled over his heart. He felt like he was constantly trying to claw his way out of the pit he had been pushed into, but people kept kicking him down. It hurt… He worked in the kitchen all morning, having already changed into khakis, a green and white striped button down, silver tie, and gray vest that morning. His mom hadn't scowled at him earlier, so he was hoping he was dressed alright. He slaved over the stove, spitting out everything he tasted. He didn't need more calories; he just had to make sure his mom would like it.

At approximately noon, people burst through the door. His mother was first, leading his grandma in and approaching him immediately. "Look, Mami! Couldn't you just pinch his chubby little cheeks!" she exclaimed, and naturally his gram was all over them. His mom poked his belly as she walked away. "Careful of what you eat today, dearie, you've got a cute little pouch going on. Wouldn't want that to get _too_ out of hand," she said lovingly, but Jeff could hear the hardness in her voice, even if his grandma couldn't.

The rest of the afternoon passed by slowly, leaving Jeff drained and somewhat starving, but every time he thought about the dinner to come, he immediately felt nauseous. His mother stood far too close to him the entire time, answering questions for him as his aunts and uncles asked. They're expectant looks died quickly as they took in the answers she gave them. That was okay. Jeff knew he wasn't anything to be proud of.

"'_So, Jeff. How's Dalton?' -'We'll see. We haven't been doing that great these past couple marking periods, but we'll see if we can maybe kick that brain into gear for the last couple months and finals, right?'"_

"' _Jeffie, dear. Have you found yourself a man, yet?' -'I think we're still waiting for that whole 'awkward' stage to fully pass. Plus, a little confidence never hurt. Oh, stand up straight, love. See? This is what, I'm talking about!'"_

"'_Ah, there's the man of the hour! How are the Warblers treating you?' -'Six auditions, but no cigar. Maybe one day we'll get 'em, though. With a bit of practice, he might manage to make something of himself, don't you think?'"_

Jeff didn't really understand how things that left him so devastated could be said so lightheartedly. It was like she was a real mom, determined to be proud of him despite all his major faults -because Jeff was always messing up- but… but her eyes told the real story. They sparked with hate, and Jeff didn't think he could handle this holiday any longer. At least it was better than Christmas… Whatever. He eventually got his chance to take his leave come six o'clock to set the dining room table for the adults and the kitchen table for the kids.

Before people started serving themselves, Jeff ducked out the sliding door and onto the deck. He let the chill spring air whip past him for a moment before climbing over the bannister and taking off across his backyard. One quick trip through the woods, and he was at Nick's.

Nick.

Jeff didn't exactly know what to do with himself. He looked at the big house, light streaming through the downstairs windows. The Duvals also hosted on Easter, apparently… Jeff thought about ringing the door, but that would be stupid. Nick didn't want to see him… He had to give their family some space. He just… He needed… _something_. He watched shaded figures move behind the curtains, and by the time he looked up, the sun had long since disappeared.

Crap, his mom would be looking for him. He made his way back slowly through the woods, not in a hurry to get back and scared he would trip over something in the dark. He slipped in the front door and snuck up to his room, the party over and the first floor dark. One quick look in the kitchen proved that someone had cleaned up for him miraculously. His mom's light was on in her bedroom as Jeff tiptoed by, slipping into his bedroom and falling onto his bed again, bag still packed. He was too tired to do anything, too tired to keep going, and too tired to fight anymore.

His foot kicked something in the dark, and he leaned over to flip his light on to see his Easter basket resting at the foot of his bed. A pair of yellow sunglasses, a few new Dalton ties, and a copy of _Antsy Does Time_ and _Fault in Our Stars_ lay inside. He was confused for a moment before he noticed a tag tied to its handle.

_From J+J_

**I mean, I don't have mom issues…**

**Sorry that his one is sort of allover the place. I have so many things to say, but no real good way to say them. BTW, I'm thinking, like… four to six chapters for this, but I'll say that now, and it might go on longer… cause I can only fit so much in mom wise before he's back at Dalton, and I don't know how long them being at school will entertain me.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Oh goodness… I just don't want to go to school tomorrow at all. But, hey. Neither will, Jeff after this chapter! ;D Unfortunately, I don't think I'll make him go; meanwhile, I have to endure three classes and two retake timed essays. *cries* **

**Guys, I don't know what happened, but I've been pulling D's on my timed writings lately. I kinda just wanna cry, I won't lie… Seriously? I try so hard, but I never have enough examples, and my mom flips out, and… UGH! MOM PROBLEMS! Let's write it out, shall we? (BTW, my mom isn't as bad as Mrs. Sterling. Don't worry.)**

Jeff didn't actually sleep that night. At all. He had missed his entire family's departure, hadn't cleaned up, and most definitely infuriated his mother. He spent the few hours he had in bed tossing and turning, trying to relax enough to close his eyes for a few minutes. Naturally, Jeff was much too much in a tizzy to even manage that. The clock read 4:00AM, but he dragged his body out of bed anyways, forcing on his trainers and going on a jog to hopefully burn some calories before returning home to scour the kitchen floor and scrub the baseboards.

His limbs felt weak and rubbery. Jeff couldn't tell if it was due to the early morning exercise or the lack of food in him, but regardless he was having trouble focusing on the toothbrush he held in his hand. One more room and then he could move to the upstairs… He was sort of hoping that maybe picking up some extra chores would make his mom less likely to strangle him when she woke up.

Did Jeff mention how much he absolutely hated being home?

He was still on his knees, working to remove the dust off the molding in a particularly stubborn corner of the office when he heard her heels clicking on the hardwood behind him. Oh, crap… Jeff felt his entire back tense up. He straightened, her voice reaching is ears before he could turn around to face her. "On the floor cleaning? Good. At least _now_ you manage to be somewhere you should be."

Jeff ignored the pang in his chest. "Oh, God… Mom. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to disappear, I just… I went outside, and I lost track of time… I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry," he breathed, and it felt like his lungs were collapsing. She had that disapproving look in her eyes that never failed to tear right through him. His mom was holding herself proudly and looked beyond intimidating in her work clothes. Jeff couldn't seem to catch a breath. He was sorry… He was so, so sorry… He just had to get _away_, and things went on _far_ longer than expected, and now… crap. _Crap_. Everything was so messed up. She made her way across the room to tower over him.

"I ask you for one thing, Jeff. _One thing_. And that's only to be there for your family on holidays. And you can't even do _that_. Why do you have to be such a disappointment, Jeff? If you're not chasing people away, you're the one leaving them high and dry. You can't even stay with your own _family_," she hissed, words pounding into Jeff's brain and making him weak, making him bend. She was shouting at him, and the noise had obviously woken up his siblings, the three of them acting as bystanders in the doorway. James was scrubbing his eyes in sleep, looking at them in confusion, while Jessica and Jackson looked exceedingly uncomfortable. "You need to realize that screwing other boys isn't going to make you any less alone. When is family going to become your priority? You need to-"

He couldn't take it anymore. "Mom," he croaked. "I'm so, _so_ sorry, I swear, I wasn't doing anything, I just-"

_Smack!_

"I wasn't _finished yet!"_ his mom screeched after snagging a dictionary from the shelf beside them and hitting him across the face with it. Jeff's entire cheek immediately felt hot, and pain radiated from the corner of his eye. He could practically _feel_ it bruising. "You're _stupid_, Jeff. You're stupid, and wrong, and the reason this family works the way it does. _You've ruined everything_, and it's like you don't even care enough to fix it!" His heart sunk. His mom took a minute to compose herself, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes as if just looking at him pained her. "Finish what you're doing, and when I come home, I expect this place to be spotless."

And just like that, she left, kissing her other children on the cheek pointedly as she passed, exiting the house via the garage to get in her car and drive off to work. Jeff just stayed where he was on the floor, humiliation now making _both_ cheeks hot as he sat under the stare of his brothers and sister. His mom had never… she had never hit him before. She had hit him. What did that mean? _Shit_, what did that mean?

He didn't know what to think, he didn't know what to feel, he didn't know what to do… all he knew is that he was tired, and hungry, and hurt, and he couldn't look more than a few feet in front of him without seeing spots… His hand slowly reached out for the toothbrush he had dropped some time during the conversation, and he breathed for a moment before turning back to his work.

"Well, God, Jeff! Don't do that, she just hit you!" James yelped, an incredulous tone in his voice, and Jeff paused. Someone help him… Why wouldn't anybody help him? He listened as Jackson herded James away, the twelve-year-old spewing tears because he didn't understand. Jeff didn't understand either. He didn't get to cry. Instead, he continued working at his corner, dirt still clinging to the builder's tape. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a hand lay over his.

"I… I got it," Jackson said, barely meeting his eyes, and Jeff pulled away hesitantly. Fear clogged his throat until his brother actually started cleaning for him. Suddenly, fear turned to tears, and Jeff brought his knees to his chest, tears streaming down his cheeks. The entire left side of his face ached terribly, protesting when he buried himself between his legs. Jackson scrubbed in silence text to him, but Jeff had never felt so _alone_.

Jessica was watching from the doorway, and Jeff was ashamed. He had never felt so weak or worthless in his entire life. He couldn't… he couldn't do _anything_. He couldn't be there for his family, he wasn't good enough for his friends, he couldn't even take care of _himself_ properly, apparently, and… and he was tired. He was so, so _tired_.

Eventually, his brother started working his way around the house, and Jeff crawled after, not wanting to be in a room by himself. Jessica followed behind, too. Jeff wasn't exactly sure where Jackson had dropped James off at, but he was almost glad he wasn't around. Even if he was the only person who would possibly give him a hug at the moment -and he really needed one- he didn't need him seeing him like… like this. Like he really was. _Weak_.

Eventually, Jessica disappeared, and Jeff couldn't help but shake. He didn't want to be hurt anymore… he didn't want her to go get their mom. He didn't want her to tell her he wasn't working. He was scared of what she would do. But Jessica came back quickly, a bag of frozen peas in her hand. She handed them to him wordlessly, and Jeff accepted, but he didn't put them on his eye.

He deserved pain.

Oh gosh, he deserved everything the world had to throw at him. Not even Nick wanted him now. His shoulders started shaking for an entirely different reason than before, and he couldn't stop the sobs forcing their way out of him. He was so _weak_. He couldn't… They were just insults, they weren't true, and it was just an eye…

But it was so much more than that at the same time. It was abuse, and he knew it. But that didn't mean that he didn't deserve it, and it didn't mean that he shouldn't be able to handle it. This was his _life_, and he should be able to… to _deal_ with it by now. And this tailing his _younger_ brother around and crying to himself was definitely not dealing with it. At least, not by Jeff's classifications…

And he still had homework, and school was really too hard for him, and he had to go back to class tomorrow, and his face was undoubtedly not anything any one wanted to look at now if it wasn't before, and he didn't want to see Nick, and crap, crap, crap… How come life falls apart so fast? Everyone seemed to push him so hard, and he… Jeff was buckling under the pressure. He knew it. He just… He couldn't take this _hurt_ anymore. Not at _all_.

Jackson finished with the baseboards around the same time as James found his way downstairs, tears dried on his face. His younger brother handed the twelve-year-old a bottle of Windex and a roll of paper towels wordlessly and James immediately started on the windows, even cleaning out their sills as Jackson started polishing silverware at the kitchen table. Jeff couldn't take this anymore. "Let me," he said, holding out his hands for the rag and fork Jackson was holding. His brother glared, but passed them over anyway.

"Fine. But I'm doing something. I'm sick of doing nothing," he said, and pushed his chair out and stood up angrily, snagging the vacuum out of the closet and lugging it up the stairs. Jeff was working on spoons when James made his way into the kitchen. He sat down on the floor beneath Jeff, cleaning out the track of the sliding door and seeming very upset. Tears kept rolling down his cheeks, mirroring Jeff's own, but it was a pretty poor impression, what with the way Jeff was crying…

"I'm so sorry, Jeff… I wish… I wish dad was here," he mumbled, and Jeff's heart broke. No one _knew_ how much Jeff wished their dad was there. No one could ever understand. It kept him up at night; it filled his every thought…

"M-me, t-too," he hiccupped, only managing to push James farther into tears, and Jeff was grateful for the whir of the vacuum upstairs blocking his brother's ears from overhearing. He would probably get mad at him if he found out he was making James cry… He was always making people cry. Why couldn't he be good enough?

They were all still cleaning when their mom got home; Jessica having disappeared to her room again ages ago. She regarded them all coldly as she walked in, clearly mad at her favorite kids for helping out the hopeless one. Her eyes trailed over every inch of the house, looking for something to point out, to get mad over. Jeff had calmed down considerably, but seeing his mom only managed to set him off again. He was just so scared… He hated being scared. She made him feel so _worthless_.

When his mom didn't find anything worth yelling over, she sought out Jeff, sneering while she kicked over the bucket of suds he was using to wash the walls with. She frowned at him as if to say 'clean it up', which Jeff did submissively. Anything to keep her happy. Anything.

**Well. That was fun, wasn't it? Tomorrow should be more fun! Seriously, this story is keeping me from self-mutilation, I swear. YAY STRESSFUL NERD SCHOOL! (JK, don't be worried, but really? Zomgs.)**


	4. Chapter 4

**I literally am writing each chapter on a different computer. Gah… what is this?**

**Also, guys, I had to take my retake timed writings today, and I only got a 73! I mean, it's better than the 63 I had before, but… I just wanna cry. I hate trying so hard and then, like… not succeeding. It's actually pretty evil.**

**Also, side note, I discovered the real meaning of Larry Stylinson, and my nose has been GLUED to Wattpad since. Man. If I wasn't going to marry Riker Lynch…**

Nick really wasn't much of a worrier, but the second he got to his dorm room Tuesday morning, he was a complete and utter wreck. He had unfortunately got stuck in traffic on his way to school and definitely missed the second bell. However, Nick hadn't gone straight to class. He had been feeling bad all weekend about basically kicking Jeff out and gone straight to their shared room to apologize, but he wasn't there.

But Nick was.

Jeff wasn't.

See, the two sentences on their own made a good deal of sense, but… together? Jeff _always_ got there before Nick. Always. And he _always_ stuck around and waited for him before heading off to class with the rest of the guys. Always. But now Nick was in the dorm after break, late of all things, and Jeff wasn't there nor were any of his things.

Naturally, he was flipping out of his skin a little bit because Nick was nothing if not Jeff's protector. He sat on his bed, deciding to wait for him. That's what Jeff would do anyway. Nick pulled out his phone, helping himself to a bit of a twitter rant, and by the time he was done stalking the famous and raving about his new health kick, his phone had 23% battery and Jeff still wasn't there.

Crap, where was he? Three periods had passed by… and they only _had_ three hour and thirty minute classes today, if you didn't count lunch and the required study hall and academic clubs (And yes. The Warblers considered themselves as an academic club). He texted Jeff for at least the millionth time and flopped onto his back, neck stiff from sitting in the same position for so long.

Why wouldn't Jeff text him back? Nick felt nauseous. He knew Jeff wasn't that confident in himself, and he had been getting sort of distant lately, but he wouldn't… No. He wouldn't. Jeff could be kind of a girl, but he wasn't suicidal. So why wasn't he responding? Just one reply… that's all he needed. He was honestly starting to worry that the other boy was dead.

Jeff scared Nick a little bit. Not in a way that made him not want to be with him, but in a way that made him freaked out to leave him alone, and… Crap. Nick had yelled at him, and now he wasn't at school, and… and what was he supposed to do? What if he left and Jeff showed up and thought he hadn't waited for him? Plus, he seriously had to apologize. This was not good…

Nick rolled off of his bed, and went about unpacking his bag, jumping out of his skin when his phone started vibrating in his pocket. He picked up without looking at the caller ID. "Jeff, thank goodness, I was so worried, are you okay?"

"Crap, so you don't know where he is either…" came a voice that was most definitely _not_ Jeff's, and it took a minute for Nick's surprised ears for him to register it as Wes's. The other boy continued musing, not really addressing him. "That would definitely explain why neither of you are down here…" Ugh. So totally Wes… reading them to their faces… "Get down here when you find him, or I'll slap you in the face," Wes threatened, and Nick didn't get the chance to reply before Wes had already hung up. He wasn't even late yet…

Nick pattered about, catching up on the work he had missed in class via email from his teachers and watching episode upon episode of Doctor Who on Netflix, texting Jeff about every –say- fifteen seconds? He was acting like a mother hen, but… crap, crap, _crap_, where was he? How had he not shown up to school that day? Why wouldn't he just text him back?

Eventually, Nick's eyelids slipped closed and he fell asleep, not registering anything at all when his roommate snuck into the dorm at 1:00AM.

* * *

Jeff didn't originally think he would actually make it out of bed that day. He was so tired from crying, and… yeah. It just seemed like a long shot for him to be able to wake up at all. Of course, his mother working her way out of the house that morning had him upright in bed, his heart rate increasing rapidly when she crossed his door. _Let her go away, oh please… Let her go away_.

Eventually she left, and by the time she did, Jeff had his sneakers on again and was out for an early morning jog, unable to help himself from eating a carrot on his way out the door, but… he just couldn't _see straight_. He knew he had promised his mom that he would try harder, but… but he was _hungry_. Like… Niall Horan without lunch hungry. He had to have _something_… Of course, that didn't make him feel any less guilty.

When he came home from his run and got out of the shower, legs buckling beneath, he got his first glance in the mirror since… _ever_, and… And… Well there wasn't much else to say other than-

_Shit_.

He looked awful. If the pudginess of his face and the dark circles under his eyes weren't enough to send people running, the blossomed and budded bruise on his face surely would. He had thought he felt the corner of the book hit his eye, and the red veins running through its whites only proved it. His entire left cheek was deep purple, some spots looking bluer or blacker than others, yellow just creeping up on the edges of the unfortunate looking splotch. At least it wasn't completely swollen aside from the outermost corner of his eye. His cheekbone had taken most of the blow and had hurt when the shower water ran over it. His mom had really nailed him…

Shoot. Everything was awful. Jeff couldn't… he couldn't do anything. He couldn't be thin, he couldn't be straight, he couldn't… he couldn't look right… Yeah. Everything sucked. He felt awful, and the way his muscles were fighting his every move didn't help things. The blonde didn't want to go to school but changed into his Dalton blazer anyway.

He heard himself falling before he felt it. "Jeff!" James yelped, appearing out of nowhere, and the sudden arms around his torso made him realize that he wasn't exactly standing on his own. Jeff struggled to regain his balance, protesting when Jackson grabbed his legs and helped James heave him onto the couch. "What's wrong, Jeff?"

"He needs to eat something, stupid. Go get him some… I don't know. Whatever, get him something to eat," he snapped, and James's eyes widened, but he rushed off in response. He returned quickly with a bowl of Froot Loops oddly enough, and Jackson took it from him before Jeff had the chance to. "Open wide," he instructed, and Jeff kept his lips sealed tight. "Dude, what's your problem? Open up."

Jeff just glared.

"Seriously? Open your mouth, man. I'm trying to help you here!" Jackson yelped, anger brewing in his eyes despite his actions. Ugh, _go away_. Did he not understand that Jeff had bigger problems than a swimming head and knocking knees? He already _had_ something, and… his efforts were not gaining him the immediate effects desired. Jackson was staring at him hard. "She was _lying_, Jeff. You're _fine_. You were too skinny before_,_ and it's only been two days, but you're starting to look a little creepy. Open you're frikking mouth," he commanded, and James flinched at the bad language. Jeff, meanwhile, was thinking things over.

Lying…

"Fine," he murmured, grabbing the bowl for himself and taking a spoonful. "Happy?" he asked around a mouthful of cereal, munching grumpily. Whatever. He'd have this bowl, and then he'd go back to what he was doing before. One bowl wouldn't hurt… Oh gosh, please let one bowl not hurt…

"Right. Okay. I don't think you should go to school. I know I'm sure as hell not anymore." James flinched again, and this time Jeff did, too. When had his brother started using such fowl words…? Sadness pierced his heart as he missed Jackson all over again. Why did his dad have to leave? Why, why, why? His younger brother darted upstairs, presumably to pick up a game of Halo or something… what did normal teenage boys actually do?

As he left, Jeff decided that not going to school wasn't actually the best idea. That is… until Nick started texting him.

At first it was just about every other hour, but as the day progressed, Jeff doing nothing but sitting quietly on the sofa and watching James play Mario Kart, they started to get more frequent. Eventually, Jeff's phone just didn't stop vibrating, and he had to turn it off. James looked at him strangely but let him be –thank goodness.

Jeff didn't want to talk to Nick. He didn't even want to see what he had been texting him. At all. He felt guilty, and disgusting, and… and _wrong_, and he didn't want to have to have to face Nick. Even though it would have to happen eventually, Jeff was determined to put it off as long as possible. However, he was also determined to put off seeing his mother as long as possible, so when rush hour crept up on him, Jeff made sure to snag his duffle bag and get out as soon as possible.

But now what? He was just… out. And around. And he didn't have anywhere to go. He couldn't go home because Nick was there, and he couldn't go to his house because his mom was there, and his sister was there, and his brothers were there and… And Jeff didn't even understand them at all anymore, or what they were doing, and… what even was this? What was anything?

His stomach flip-flopped. Jeff actually didn't want to think about this anymore. He drove himself around, swerving down streets until he found his way to his dance studio. He felt pent up, and… bursting, he supposed. Bursting with something, but he wasn't sure what.

He threw an old CD into the player on the far end, relieved to find the floor empty and his for the taking. The song –his song- blared through the speakers, Frank Sinatra's voice making his muscles roll, his body move, flow… _Just the way you look tonight…_ Jeff let himself drift away, his movements growing more and more fluid as each song forced its way through the ancient boom box struggling to belt out the notes.

But it wasn't enough.

These moves, this dance… it wasn't enough. He had choreographed each of these songs for a reason, filled them with him, with his sadness, but… but it wasn't enough. He was too angry and sad and… crap. _Crap_.

Jeff tore his shirt off, staring at himself in the dance mirror, breathing heavy. He couldn't look, he couldn't look, but oh… oh, there he was. Crap. There he was… Angry bruise, the mark of his worthlessness, and all. The music wasn't working with him. Old Frank wasn't proving his worth for once in his life… Not when he looked like he did, not when his body looked the way it did… He moved to his own beat, no planning, no rhythm. He let it hurt, he let it burn, he held things too long, he tripped himself up, he was sloppy… Here then there, moving, flowing, hurting, aching.

"AGH!" Jeff screamed, gripping his head against everything wrong, music, himself or otherwise and… Why couldn't things be better? Why were there always so many questions but never any answers? He fell to his knees before getting up again, beating out his own rhythm. Over and over and over…

The sun rolled down, and the moon moved high… Eventually everything hurt too bad to keep going, and somehow Jeff managed the drive back to Dalton, slinking back into his room in the dark, careful not to wake Nick up. He just wanted to put things off a little bit longer…

**GLEE RIGHT NOW!**

**Sorry for the crappy editing…. Glee… it's actually on and all…**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay. I've put this off long enough… Leggo all up in here. Are you ready? Ugh… Okay. OKAY! I don't know what to do… Okay. Don't know why I'm staling, really…**

**BTW, I love "Somebody That I Used To Know" more than my mom, probably.**

Oddly enough, Nick was the first one awake Wednesday morning. His bangs were matted to his face, a sure sign of his tossing about in the night. He immediately pushed them out of his eyes to search the room for Jeff. His heart almost exploded in his chest when he saw his curled up body snuggled under his Dalton sheets. Thank _goodness_.

Nick crawled off the foot of his bed, moving to Jeff's. He had absolutely never been happier to see his blonde hair sticking out from under his comforter in his _life_. He could actually have a seizure, he was so happy he was there and not… not where ever he had been yesterday.

A small smile couldn't help but force it's way onto his face as his fingers gripped his roommate's covers, planning to rip them back, wake him up, and hug him to death. And the first two parts of his plan? Perfect. He threw his blankets off of him, letting the cold air hit Jeff's face; therefore, waking him up. The last part?

Not so great.

See, Nick hadn't planned on there being a bruise as dark as a skillet and big as a dinner plate occupying the left half of Jeff's face. He hadn't accounted for the other boy to not want to see him, flinching away into the mattress and headboard before Nick could bring his arms up for the hug he had wanted. He hadn't expected Jeff to be silent or to not meet his eye.

"Jeffie?" he asked, voice quiet. Nick reached out to touch his friend's face, but Jeff pulled away immediately, making him retract. "Jeffie, are you okay?" Nick couldn't feel his heart beating, and he wasn't entirely sure that it hadn't stopped. What was going on? His Jeff… "What… What happened…"

Jeff looked at his toes, mumbling his words. "It's nothing…" Nick's stomach flipped.

"Well, it seems like only a pretty big something could make that…" he gulped, "that happen." Jeff turned away, his green eyes hazing over, and Nick couldn't help but notice the red creeping into the left one. The corner of his eye seemed the most purple out of his entire face, the bruise occupying a good deal of his cheek. Had it been smaller, Nick would have expected it to be from a softball, it looked so painful.

"It's okay, Nick. It's nothing you really want to know anyway." Nick honestly couldn't believe how Jeff was brushing him off right now. They were close. What was he doing? Didn't he know that he could tell him anything? That Nick wanted to know everything? He was his Jeff… What… What was going on? He cleared his throat, and then remembered he still had some groveling to do before he went trying to get Jeff to talk to him.

"Okay… Okay. Well. Jeff, now is as good a time as any to apologize for kicking you out the other day… that was kinda rude. But… But you know I love you right?" he questioned, heart swelling uncomfortably in his chest as he thought of one of the possibilities that had come to his mind when Jeff was missing. "You wouldn't… you wouldn't do anything crazy without telling me, right?" Nick asked, and Jeff wouldn't even look at him.

"Yeah, no, and I forgive you," Jeff answered curtly, choosing the shortest answers possible, and Nick felt his heart breaking. It was like he was trying to avoid him, despite being trapped in the same room. Nick smushed his hair out of his face again, knowing it now probably looked like a knotted mess atop his head, but he really couldn't care less at the moment.

"Jeffieeeee," he whined, sticking out his bottom lip a bit to try to capture Jeff's attention, but the other boy seemed to refuse to meet his eyes. "Did I do something wrong? What happened to your face? Why didn't you text me back?" Nick knew he was practically interrogating his friend, but… but he was keeping things from him! And that was exasperating. And he had been so worried…

"No, Nick. It's fine… You're fine, I'm just…" Jeff trailed off, and Nick pouted. He knew what he was doing. Years of being best friends taught Nick how to tell when Jeff was putting himself down, even though he was incredibly sneaky with it. Nick climbed up onto the bed with him, unintentionally straddling his waist as he sat on his lap with both of Jeff's hands on his.

"Jeff… Jeffie. Jelffaba," he called, "Come on, then, look at me," he instructed. The blonde boy just barely met his eyes, looking more through him than at him. Nick sighed. "This is obviously my fault. Let me fix it." Jeff pushed his hands away and ducked his head, hiding his face behind his bangs.

"You… you didn't listen," he said slowly, as if actually blaming Nick for something instead of himself for once pained him. Nick twiddled his thumbs.

"I'd listen now," he offered, and Jeff shook his head.

" You didn't _want_ to listen," he specified, and Nick felt a weird sense of hopelessness filling him up, even though he didn't know why. "And no one ever does."

* * *

Nick seemed to refuse to leave Jeff alone, and really? Jeff could do with some alone time. He needed… Well, he wasn't sure; he needed to think about what he needed. All his time moping the past two days, and he really hadn't processed anything. He just… He had been sort of numb, he supposed, as clichéd as the description may seem. But… yes. Now he could feel, and everything hurt, and… shoot. He didn't know what was going on, and Nick asking questions was not helping things in the slightest. He needed to figure out things on his own to help him figure out how he felt before he answered questions.

He was a little thrown off that his best friend had been asking questions at all, actually. Jeff had thought he hadn't cared…. Weird.

"Seriously, Jeff? I can't… Why won't you just tell me what happened? What's going on with you?" Nick was begging him between classes. Unfortunately, they had all seven that day, which meant more pauses for Nick to plead to him for answers. He couldn't stand this…

"Leave it be, Nick," he said passively, tugging at the knot of his tie. The whole world felt absolutely suffocating, and his face hurt with every expression he tried to make throughout the day. This was a reoccurring scene at that point, replaying between every class period. Jeff was dreading lunch, and for good reason. The second it came Nick was pulling him off to one of the girls' bathrooms of the school.

Confused? Don't be. Just because Dalton was an all boys school, there still had to be girls bathrooms for visiting parents, teachers, college administrators, the like. And they were always empty. Well… mostly. Every now and then, you might awkwardly walk in on two students "getting it on" to put it in polite terms, and sometimes you might catch an emotional breakdown.

But that just means you had to leave to find another one.

As soon as Nick had dragged him inside, he opened his mouth, making Jeff want to bang his head hard and fast against the marble countertop surrounding the artsy glass sinks they had resting on top. "Just… Just tell me the eye thing," Nick said in a desperate attempt to get Jeff to start talking. He threw him. Jeff kicked at the ground.

"I can't tell you that without… without telling you what I was going to earlier," he said scratching at the back of his head and doing everything within his power to avoid Nick's eye contact. He didn't want him to look at him. He was already tired of seeing the pity and concern in everybody else's eyes in response to his bruise. He didn't want to be tired of Nick.

"I really screwed up, didn't I?" Nick asked, but the statement hung in the air. He didn't know what he did. He didn't know what he was missing out on. He didn't know how he had stripped Jeff of all his courage to tell… Tell the things that didn't make sense… He had neglected him. Neglected him like his mom, ignored him like his siblings, and abandoned him like his dad. Or… at least, that's how Jeff felt. He was pretty much crazy, though, so whatever.

"Nick… I'm not ready to talk about this, yet. Not with you, not with anyone. You need… you need to give me some space," he said, hand going up to scrub at his eyes before he paused. Talk about bad life choices, that would have _hurt_. Nick nodded and held out his hand to him.

"Does that include going to lunch together?" he asked, and Jeff grinned at the pained look on the other boy's face. He _so_ wanted to know.

Hey… he wanted to know!

A warm feeling swelled within Jeff's core as he took Nick's hand, letting him lead him to the cafeteria. The rest of the day, Nick was… Nick. To almost a creepy perfection. He didn't ask anything he didn't want him to, but that didn't mean Jeff didn't catch him staring at him once, twice, oh… forty times. Whatever. He was trying.

And Jeff was thinking. Thinking about what everything meant to him, and… and he honestly had not clue. As his head hit the pillow, not a single solid, definite thought had crossed his mind. Ugh… he needed help.

**Shorter than usual. Sorry!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hmm… Delayed Regret or Love Taps first? I think I'm planning on updating both, but it really depends on how much I get done…**

**OH! Potential reviewers, this is important.**

**REMIND ME TO READ MY BIBLE! I'm behind! Awesome.**

Nick was tearing his hair out. It was Saturday. _Saturday_. And Jeff still had him completely in the dark. He was barely talking to him as it was, let alone telling him all the stuff he really needed to know. He seemed distant, and it was upsetting Nick.

Actually, Nick wasn't really sure what to feel. He wanted to feel guilty, but he didn't know what he had done. He wasn't sure what had happened to Jeff, so he didn't know if he wanted to be sympathetic, empathetic, apathetic… He was at a loss. Nick didn't know how strongly he should feel either. He wanted to get worked up and angry at the sickly, yellowing bruise on his friend's face, but…

He didn't know what was going on. Nick just wanted to know what was going on. He had been so worried for so long, and he wasn't getting any answers, and Jeff didn't have anything to say to him, and as much as Jeff clearly needed him, what with the past he had and thoughts it gave him, Nick needed him, too, and it felt like his brain just wouldn't stop, it couldn't stop, just make it _stop!_

Every thought was a tangent.

Needless to say, Nick was becoming a mess, and the looks his friends kept giving him weren't helping any. Kept giving _them_, really. Nick was starting to rue the day he and Jeff became NickandJeff because now they seemed to only be Nick and Jeff, and everyone could tell…

Ugh, what was Jeff even doing? He _needed_ him. They were… They were best friends, but sometimes Nick felt like he was the only one who really thought so. Even when they weren't fighting, Jeff seemed like… like he couldn't get too close. Like he didn't think he was wanted.

Nick knew… he knew Jeff had problems with himself, but… But that didn't make Nick like how… _away_ he seemed. Nick wanted to be closer to him. He _always _wanted to be closer to him. He was… he was _Jeff_. Jeff. He was everything. He was gorgeous, and perfect, and all that he wanted, that could ever _be_ wanted, even if he could never fully understand what he meant to him. Nick… Nick wanted more…. He always wanted more when it came to Jeff.

But he did something wrong. He threw him out and said things that meant more than he had thought they ever could. And ever since Wednesday? Nick had been seriously thinking about those words… What could they have meant? How… How had he messed up?

Was this about Jeff's family? Was this about his home? What had he been hiding…? Nick tried to make sure there weren't secrets between him and his roommates. He tried to listen to him when he spoke, but… Crap. The one time he hadn't…

What was he missing?

* * *

"Jeff?" Nick called out to the boy across the room. They had been holed up together in the dorm all day, but –naturally- they hadn't spoken a word to each other. Nick couldn't take the silence anymore. This was Jeff. _Jeff_. "Holy Musical Batman came out last night and… and you fell asleep, and Starkid's not fun to watch alone, so –I mean- I know you're reading, but maybe…" Nick winced. He hated feeling so uncertain around his best friend. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. Jeff sighed, closing his book and resting it on his bedside table.

"Come here," Jeff said, scooting over on his bed and making room for him on the bed. Nick was pretty sure Jeff had no idea how happy he had just made him. He raced over, plugging his laptop in on the way to ensure a full battery for the entire duration of the play, and snuggled into Jeff's side the second he flopped onto the bed.

"Leggo!" he yelped, not ignoring the way Jeff remained stiff next to him but not addressing it either. Anything to help with the illusion of them being fine. He started the musical off, admittedly disappointed with the first two parts but then falling in love _hard_ by the third. Starkid would never fail him.

They were nearing the end of Act 1 Part 7, when Nick finally took notice of the way Jeff's shoulders were trembling beneath his head. He was confused for a minute before he stole a look at the other boy's face and saw the tears running in sheets down his cheeks despite Nick Lang's bare legs and scarring dancing. He sat up.

"Jeff? Jeff!" he yelped, barely getting the other boy's attention and making him cry harder somehow. "What's wrong? Wha~?" Nick couldn't seem to get words to come out of his mouth. Jeff was absolutely sobbing now, and it was quite frankly stressing Nick out so much that he couldn't form sentences… His Jeffie…

The blonde was crumbling before him, so Nick quickly wrapped him in a hug, trying to hold him together. He held him close for a scary amount of time without saying anything. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore. "Come on, buddy. You gotta talk to me… I can help make things better! Let me help make things better." Nick wasn't sure how he meant that, but the words were out now. He just needed Jeff to talk to him… Just a little. He couldn't take him being so closed off, and he didn't think that Jeff could take it either. He needed to vent; Nick needed him to vent. Why wouldn't he vent?

Crap. _What did he miss?_

Jeff's arms slowly came up to hug him back, so slowly that it took Nick a moment to register the feel of his grasp. "N-nicky..." he stuttered into his shoulder, making Nick's heart actually _ache_. He hated it when his Six was upset. It made everything seem so bleak, and hopeless, and… Screw everything. Nick was in love with the freaking kid, and he wanted him happy.

"What's going on, Jeff? Who's hurt you?" he asked, and once again? Nick wasn't sure what he meant. The bruised boy started to shake in a way that hurt Nick just to look at. He felt Jeff's chest struggle to take a breath under his own in a way that was difficult for him to acknowledge. He just _hated_ a sad Jeff.

"Y-you di-n't _listen_," he cried, and Nick felt himself falter due to the guilt twisting itself tighter around his heart. He tried take a breath himself, but came up short.

"I know," he responded, voice way more emotional than he had expected and cracking in multiple places as he spoke, "And I'm so _sorry_. I'm _sorry_. I should have been there for you_, I know._ Let me be there for you _now_, Jeff. You know I want to." Nick was vaguely aware that there were a few stray tears rolling down his own cheeks, too concerned for Jeff to actually care. "Just tell me who made you so upset!"

Jeff seemed to hesitate, as if he was making his mind up about something that was bigger than himself, bigger than them. Nick could barely be patient enough to let him think. "M-my m-mom," he stammered, and Nick immediately felt his own body entirely tense up so fast, it was painful. "Sh-she… She…"

"Your _mom_?" Nick interrupted, pulling away and completely incredulous. What? What the actual hell was going on? Nick looked Jeff straight in the eyes, brain unable to process the information. He knew he wasn't exactly proving his listening skills by cutting in like he had, but… His mom? His _mom_? What…? "What do you mean, you're _mom_?" he asked.

Jeff didn't look at him, and that was all the answer that Nick needed.

Realization hit him full force, and Nick gave Jeff a once over, suddenly taking note of the thinness of his arms, the defeat in his posture, and the huge bruise molesting his face. The puzzle pieces in Nick's head clicked together to form an ugly picture. "You mean she… She…? Everything?" Nick questioned, wanting to know how much of Jeff's sadness was her fault

Jeff didn't look at him.

"Oh my g- _Jeff!" _Nick threw his arms once again around his best friend, holding on tighter than he had anything before. His arms were immediately tired, but he didn't stop. His brain was processing things faster than it ever had before, and every mystery ever brought about concerning Jeff suddenly made sense. He hated this. Oh, crap, he _hated_ this.

And then Nick's own words came crashing down on him. Jeff had been… he had been trying to tell him. He had been scared to go home, and Nick… Oh, _shit_. Shit, shit, shit… Hell, this… oh, _shit!_ Why hadn't he listened? Jeff had needed him, but he threw him out to… to someone who… _Jeff!_

"She doesn't love me, Ni-Nick!" Jeff was wailing into his shoulder. He was clawing at his back to bring him closer, to comfort him, but Nick didn't think he could really do that anymore, especially when he wanted nothing more than to start sobbing himself.

"Jeff, I'm so_, so sorry!_ I didn't… I didn't listen to you, and you needed… Oh my gosh, holy mother of f- Okay. Okay, I'm sorry." Nick knew he was just repeating himself, but what else was there to say? How was he supposed to handle this? He hated himself for messing up so badly, and somehow…? Somehow he could tell Jeff hated himself more.

"I f-forg-ive you," Jeff said, his words muddled with tears, and Nick found himself holding on tighter. Oh gosh, his _Jeff!_ His. Jeff. Nick struggled to pull himself together. They couldn't both be crying…

"Okay. Okay, just… Oh, Jeff. I'll never make you go back; you can stay over all the time, I'm just… I'm so sorry! Stay with me for the four-day weekend in two weeks, okay? Don't go home," he begged, trying to right himself, and Jeff set his eyes into the crook of his neck.

"But… James misses me and Jackson cares now," he replied, and the emotion behind the words made Nick not ever want to truly know how much they meant. He just nodded, refusing to let his roommate go.

"Then I'm coming over. I'm not letting her touch you, Jeff. It's not happening. I love you, it's not… No. _No_."

His Jeff…

**So yeah… I was listening to Holy Musical Batman… It's awesome.**

**Sorry about how sometimes I just string curse words together. I'm really trying to write my brain for this story. Like… everything I feel and every thought I have kinda… and that's how I think, you know? I don't really SAY any of these words, but I think them quite a bit, and all…**

**Sorry it's short again.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Ah. Here we are. Okay, sorry for the wait. I honestly couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with them that wouldn't be ridiculously boring, you know? Like… Now Nick knows, and for the past week every day I was just like "All their going to do is go to school and worry all over the place" and I figured you guys didn't want to read that. SO LEGGO WITH THIS CHAPTER NOW!**

"Jeff, please. You need to eat something," Nick begged, his heart tightened in anxiety. He felt bad, calling Jeff out in front of literally every Warbler, but the blonde seemed to be refusing to acknowledge all of his previous veiled pleas. It wasn't exactly his fault that it had come down to this. Jeff picked at his tie, and Nick could see all the way down his sleeves to his elbows, them gapping at the wrist much more than they were supposed to.

"I _have_ eaten, Nicky. I had breakfast like you wanted," Jeff responded quietly in his ear, as if a half a bowl of cereal could possibly account for anything. Nick could see the blush creeping up his neck as he leaned in close. He crossed his arms around his middle, looking uncomfortably at the untouched salad on Jeff's plate. He could feel his glee club member's questioning eyes on them, but now wasn't a time for Nick to be embarrassed. That was Jeff's job. His was to get him to eat.

"Just a couple bites. You need to get something in you." Jeff's nose twitched, and he looked down at his meal, lost. Like he forgot how to make it happen. He slowly picked up his fork, though, and Nick watched closely as he nibbled away at a few stray lettuce leaves. "There. That's not too hard, is it?" Jeff didn't look at him.

Nick didn't know what Jeff's mom had said to him to make this happen, but he did know that his best friend wasn't eating anything. At all. And that wasn't okay with Nick. It wasn't okay how thin his already too-skinny roommate was getting. It wasn't okay how Jeff looked beyond guilty any time he put something in his mouth. It wasn't okay how he would disappear all afternoon, only to come back almost too sweaty and worn out from the dance studio.

He didn't even have practice.

It was scary to see someone so close to him deteriorate like Jeff was. In fact, it was way scary. Jeff was so important to Nick and also one of the most impossible crushes he had ever had. He had so much going on… Nick figured it would be ridiculous for Jeff to truly notice him, meanwhile he was watching Jeff's every move; he had to protect him, after all. And that's what made it impossible. Everything Nick had went into Jeff, making him incapable of loving him any more, but Nick felt like Jeff's eyes just rolled over him. And it hurt. It hurt every time.

Because yes. Nick truly did love Jeff. He loved the way his hair seemed permanently at a length where his bangs nearly stabbed him in the eyes. He loved the way his smile, albeit rare, could light up an entire room. He loved the curve of his cheek when he turned to talk to him in the car, even if they were growing hollow now. He loved his sense of humor. He loved his nose, and his hands, and his knees, and his wrists, and his calves... They were parts of Jeff. How could he not? He loved his dance, and all the emotion he put into it, and how much it meant to him.

Nick loved Jeff.

Jeff didn't love Nick.

And Nick _really_ needed him too.

Nick needed Jeff to trust him again. He was so scared of everything that was going on, and he had to understand. He had to understand him, know what happened in his past that made everything go to hell… What had he glazed over before? What other hints had he missed? When did it all go wrong? Why wasn't anyone stopping what was going on?

All these questions, and Jeff just seemed so normal. Aside from his still slightly yellow and swollen cheek and skinnier frame, he was just the same. He was goofy during Warbler practice, and hilarious in every conversation, and game for anything… It was like nothing had happened, like everything was normal.

And Nick supposed that was the scariest part to him, how this _was_ normal: Jeff obviously thinking bad thoughts about himself. Like… all his actions weren't acting to keep his secret. It was just him dealing and coping, and… being _normal_.

Eventually, the lunch bell rang, leaving Nick's food surprisingly untouched and Jeff's salad bowl still three quarters full. Crap… did that just say too much.

"Ready, Jelffaba?" he asked, threading his fingers through Jeff's. The blonde snagged a napkin and rubbed his already spotless face clean before nodding excitedly, dragging him through the hallway to get to French.

"Think we're doing anything, today?" he asked, and Nick couldn't help but laugh a bit at the idea.

"Oh my gosh, no. No. We never do _anything_ in that class; Mme Deppen, bless her heart," Nick lamented as Jeff slowed their pace, his eyes –never having lost their light- twinkling in amusement cause, yeah, they never actually did anything in French. On Friday, the two had managed to do nothing but care for their Simms in class, despite it being a ninety-minute period.

"Hmm… You're probably right," Jeff agreed as Nick fell into step next to him, and then a serious expression took over his friend's face. "Look… Nick. Do you think that maybe you couldn't… bring attention to me or anything at lunch, cause like… I don't want anyone to think I'm crazy, and now all the Warblers probably do, and…" Jeff trailed off, and Nick pulled him into a girl's bathroom, ignoring the heavy breathing emanating from one of the stalls. They both weren't here…

"I would, Jeff, but if that's what it takes to get you to eat something, then-" Nick paused as two students –presumably seniors- sheepishly exited the first cubical, zippering their pants as they left. Nick gave them an apologetic smile for ruining the mood. #GirlsBathroomProblems. "I don't know Jeff… You can't keep running on E, and I know you may not like it, but I'm not going to let you." Jeff looked at him with sad eyes before running his fingers through his hair and turning away.

"You don't get it," he said, blazer raising awkwardly, having lifted the sleeves, and Nick could see his thin middle.

"Then help me," Nick replied. "Jeff… I really _do_ want to understand, and you're so leaving me hanging… I can't begin to imagine what anyone could say to you to make… _this _happen, but… But I don't get it. You're right. So _help me_." Nick said, more than a little happy that this moment was finally happening. Jeff looked at him skeptically, his cheeks turning more than a little rosy.

"I can't… I can't just _tell_ you," he whispered, looking to his toes in a decidedly ashamed manner, and Nick was confused.

"Why not?" Jeff frowned, and scratched the back of his calf awkwardly.

"Because it's probably true, and Nick… I can't have you… I can't have you say it's true and… and I don't know… cause then it's you, and her, and… And I don't know," he rambled, eyes never meeting Nick's, seemingly eternally locked on one of the tiles on the floor. It was Nick's turn to frown. He took a couple steps to his friend, grabbing both of his hands and ducking a little to catch his eye.

"Jeff, you… I don't think I could possibly believe a word out of your mom's mouth if it leads to you feeling like… feeling like there's something wrong with you," he assured, dancing around the more negative parts of their situation carefully. Jeff eventually looked up, and Nick was and wasn't surprised to find his eyes rimmed red.

"It's not even a big deal, Nick. I just promised I'd lose weight," he finally answered, and Nick took him in for a minute before slowly pulling him into a hug.

"Why would you do that?" he asked into his shoulder after a prominent pause. Nick felt Jeff tense in his arms and then start to shudder. Oh gosh… Nick _hated_ this. He hated how things like this could happen. It honestly tore him apart inside to see his best friend so upset and… and ruined. Jeff couldn't speak for a minute, Nick able to feel the way his words were caught in his throat, and when he did, his speech was broken and difficult.

"Sh-she-ee a-ask'd what I… I was eat-eat-ing, a-and s-said that ev'ry t-t-time she saw… saw me, I… I gained wh-wh-wh-" Jeff took a pause, gulping in air before starting again, "Weight. And th-that she… she didn' pay m-my d-dance class bills for… for… for me t-t' jus' b-be f-f-fa-faggier," he pushed out. Nick was floored, and Jeff was sobbing.

"Shit… Jeff… Jeff. Don't worry about that, okay? That couldn't be more wrong… You're perfect and… and you don't need to do try to do that for her. You're too skinny, now. You need to eat and… and relax. You're pushing yourself too hard for nothing," Nick iterated. Jeff slumped a little on him, dejection evident in the way he held his shoulders.

"It's not for nothing, Nicky… I promised. I need… I never d-do wh-what she wants… a-and… I've gotta… I've gotta t-try to m-make her hap… happy." Anger coursed through his veins.

"Jeff, it seems to me that you could never make her happy," Nick spat, and then… and then Jeff was gone. He had pulled away from him, fear and an odd kind of resigned sadness taking over his green eyes, and… and, oh. _Oh._ "Wait, Jeff, I didn't mean-" he tried to say, but Jeff cut him off.

"It's fine, I mean… I knew-_I know_…" but Jeff didn't finish his sentence before turning on his heel and running out of the bathroom, turning just after Nick caught a few stray tears rolling down his face. Okay… Okay, no. N-no.

"Jeff, wait!" Nick yelped, running after him, but the blonde was already gone, and Nick had no clue which way he went. Damn Dalton and its freaking maze of a floor plan. He picked a hall and followed it.

Thank goodness they weren't doing anything in French.

**I'm thinking that it would be awesome to have another chapter tonight, but we'll see. I have two Niff one-shots in mind and some other stuff brewing…**


	8. Chapter 8

**Well… you all asked. So I complied. Here's the next chapter… but don't hate me. This is going to be short.**

**I HAVE STUFF TO DO, THANK YOU! And also, I like… I don't have a lot I want to happen right now.**

Tears were falling in sheets down Jeff's face, much to his dismay. Crap, he _really_ hoped he didn't pass anyone on the way out of the building. Thank goodness class was officially in session… He twisted down hallways, taking the most round about way possible to the parking lots in hope of getting Nick off of his trail. Sobs were struggling to force their way out of his through, but Jeff bit them back. He was hiding. Jeff was good at hiding.

Eventually, he made it to his car, and jammed his keys, thankfully still in his blazer pocket from the weekend, and flew out onto the road. He knew –he _knew_- he was too emotional to be driving, but he had to get out. He didn't want Nick finding him in his parking spot just sobbing over the wheel like he felt like doing… No. That wasn't a great plan.

His heart hurt. Nick… Even _Nick _hated him, and the worst part? He knew this would happen. He knew it was only a matter of time before everything with Nick went to shit, and Jeff also knew that telling him about his mom would be the thing to finally push them over the edge. Why did he say something? What had possibly made him say something?

_Trust_.

Jeff had trusted Nick. He had thought that finally –_finally_- he was safe with someone, only now did he realize how wrong he was. And he supposed that was made it hurt the most… He really had put his faith in Nick, and now… and now even he had betrayed him. And if that was the part that made it hurt the most, then the fact that it wasn't surprising was the part that made it the saddest.

Jeff hadn't been planning on going anywhere. He just wanted to drive around before he crashed into some trees somewhere because he was crying too hard to pay attention to the road, but as fate would have it, he ended up at his dance studio again. It was weird how he always ended up there when he did _and_ when he didn't want to be.

He stripped off his blazer, button-down, and tie in the car, tossing them on top of his messenger bag and buzzing phone. He didn't want to talk to Nick right now, and he didn't have any plans on doing so. Instead he walked into his studio in his white undershirt, grateful to once again find the floor empty, and once again allowed his music to fill the air.

But this time it was different.

He had been working on something new with all the days after school he had been putting forth to exercise. His normal dances didn't fit right with him anymore. He and his feelings had outgrown them. Jeff needed something bigger, something… _more_. Something that let him breathe. Something that helped him deal with the hurt that took him over…

He was more bitter than confused now… and more exasperated with his life. But most of all? Most of all, Jeff Sterling was desperate. He needed Nick to love him back. He was his protector… his everything. He needed him to see. Heck, just… just _someone _to see and to think that he wasn't all that bad. He needed someone he could trust…

He needed a dance that could let all that show… That fit how he felt, and before? Before everything was slower. Things flowed together due to his overwhelming sadness, but they were all over the place in his confusion. Now Jeff was practically contorting himself with the movements. Every motion showed the hurt he felt and the anger by the way it forced him to bend. Everything looked painful in the floor length mirrors, but he still tried to bend farther. His moves were somehow more cohesive though, more relatable and able to be followed.

It was fast though. Fast because he was angry. Fast because he was heated. Fast because he was desperate… Fast because he couldn't cope and he needed it done. And with that speed came difficulty to breathe, but Jeff didn't care. He had to bend, he had to twist, and by the time he perfected his dance enough to call it a day, the sun had set and every part of him ached. He couldn't move another inch…

Because Jeff needed Nick, and Nick hated him.

Despite being done, Jeff couldn't bear the thought of going home. Not when Nick had realized that he was too terrible to even make his own mother happy. No… no he didn't want to go back to his dorm and have him… have him say everything Jeff already knew, everything his mother told him… He couldn't handle that. Not now, anyway.

Regardless, he shuffled out of the studio, stepping back in surprise when the cold night air hit him. Crap… there was supposed to be snow flurries tonight… Figures. The one night when he can't stand to go home, it's ridiculously freezing at the end of April. Why? He crossed his arms and made it to his car, tugging on his clothes despite his sweatiness, thankful for their warmth, and tugging a quilt from the back seat around his shoulders. Jeff kicked his seat back and stared up at the stars through his moon-roof.

Jeff loved looking at stars. They all looked like little worlds he could get away to. Sometimes he wished places like Tamaran and Krypton existed. Cause maybe then he could get away and not have to worry anymore.

Jeff's heart was heavy. He seriously didn't want a lot. He just… he just wanted for one second, someone to love him right. He wanted Nick to love him right. The other boy meant so much to him, it wasn't even funny, but Jeff didn't think he could ever see…

Nick was always looking out for him, making it impossible to notice Jeff's giant crush on him. There was so much else for him to be concerned about… yeah. He wouldn't ever be able to acknowledge him in that way. Of course, it didn't matter now that he hated him.

Jeff sighed, the air leaving his mouth in a puffy cloud due to the freezing temperatures. He pulled the blanket a little tighter around his shoulders. If he wasn't so low on gas, the heat would be cranking by now…

Jeff fell asleep fitfully, wondering when the hell someone was going to love him right.

**See? Short. Short, short, short with now real resolution. This is why this chapter was a maybe. I warned you! It didn't have to happen!**

**But at the same time, yay. I'm glad it did. I love writing about dancing, I don't know why. I hate reading it though, so assuming you guys do to, I apologize. I also hate reading about eating and I wrote that in last chapter… ugh. I'm getting weird!**

**Sorry fro the crappy editing job! I'm tired…**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hmm. So this is going to be rather short as well because I wanna leave some things unsaid and some things for later, and also, Glee is on and I have homework so I'm low on time…**

**Yeah. #Regrets**

Nick Duval hadn't slept a wink. How could he with everything going on…? Why was everything so complicated lately? And why couldn't he do anything right? Dealing with Jeff used to be easy. The blonde was known to get upset easily, and now he knew why… but Nick had always been able to handle it. He knew Jeff. Or at least… he thought he did…

But that still didn't explain why it was so hard to cheer him up now. Did it stem from him having nothing to hide? Maybe that was it… Regardless, Nick couldn't seem to tear his eyes off him all day. He must have slipped back in the room during his shower, because it felt like his roommate just appeared out of nowhere, sitting at the Warblers' table when he went down for breakfast.

Jeff was smiling and laughing. Weird. So, so weird. The other boy seemed to be having a blast at the other end of the table, joking with Thad and David, milk practically pouring out the latter's nose, while meanwhile, Nick felt like shit. He couldn't seem to deal with this whole entire thing… He couldn't deal with Jeff's mom, he couldn't deal with him kicking Jeff out, he couldn't deal with what he said yesterday…

Frick.

Everything sucked.

Trent plopped his tray down in front of his own as he swirled around his Trix cereal with his spoon. He wasn't hungry… Of course, that put him in no position to be telling Jeff he should eat, but Nick wasn't sure if they were talking in the first place. Trent gave him a disapproving glare. "What's wrong with you? You look hung over," he accused, skeptically raising an eyebrow. Nick sighed.

"No, I'm just… stressed," he replied, choosing his words carefully. Trent chewed on the inside of his cheek for a second, narrowing his eyes at him. Nick held his breath. Curse this boy and his ability to figure out everything you didn't want him to know in two seconds just by looking at you…

"About Jeff?" he asked, and Nick dropped his spoon, opting to bury his face in his sleeves on the table. It was Trent's turn to sigh.

"You guys are so completely obvious," he criticized, and Nick rolled his eyes. Talking with Trent was always a battle. If he hadn't grown up with the other boy, he wasn't sure what he'd do. And that was saying something. He, Trent, and Jeff all dealt with some pretty awful problems in middle school, and yeah… They had kind of decided to all move to Dalton together. Nick had been scrawny, Trent had gone through a bit of a chubby phase, and Jeff had… well, Jeff had a lot going on, but Nick never really understood any of it. He remembered his locker getting covered in faeries a couple times, and a decent couple of girl jokes stood out to him, but he didn't know where any of that came from. Regardless, their loser statuses had brought them together, and Nick wouldn't have it any other way. "So what happened?"

Nick groaned, keeping his head down on the table. "I don't even know… I insulted him? But I didn't mean to, and he ran away before I could explain." He looked up at his friend and pouted, the other boy adopting an expression that half read off as worried and half read off as "don't even try to get me to pity you". Like he said: a battle.

"Well, why'd you let him do that?" Trent asked and Nick sat up, scratching the back of his head.

"Well, it's not like I didn't run after him or anything; he just disappeared! I don't know where he went off to. He didn't even come home last night, and I just saw him when I came down here this morning!" He let his head slam down back on the table. "And now he's acting like everything's fine and ignoring me, while _I'm_ the one who's a mess. Shouldn't that be the other way around?" Trent laughed.

"Yes. Yes, it should." Nick waited for him to say something else. If there was one thing you could count on when it came to Trent Nixon, it was good advice whether you wanted it or not. "I don't know man… I think you should let him cool down for a bit and maybe talk to him in your dorm later. Don't bother trying to fix things right away." Ugh. That was so not what Nick had wanted to hear. He wanted things to be fixed _now_, thank you.

"Are you sure? Cause I mean…" he trailed off, unable to help himself from throwing a longing look at Jeff, "I already miss him…" This time his words earned a snort from Trent.

"You two are ridiculous. Are you finally ready to admit you're in love with him?" he asked, and Nick slammed a fist down on the table, milk sloshing around in his bowl. This wasn't the first time he and Trent had gone through this conversation.

"I'm not in love with him, Trent," he said for what felt like the millionth time. He glowered at the sparkle illuminating his friend's eyes.

"Yeah, you are. But I'll accept you wanting to keep it on the DL," he replied with a wink, and Nick dug hid his face into his arms again, staying that way until everyone else left to go about their days. It was voting day so no one had class… He should probably leave the cafeteria, but then… no.

Because Nick couldn't deal with anything.

* * *

Jeff's feet were cold. He had stepped in an ankle-deep puddle while throwing a football around with Thad and David, and now he was shoe-less and his feet were freezing in the iceberg temperature of Dalton. Normally, this wouldn't be that big of a deal. He had at least six pairs of Italian loafers he could change into in his dorm, but they were _in his dorm_.

And Nick was in his dorm, too.

Just the idea of talking to Nick right now made Jeff's stomach churn. He was so tired of people being disappointed in him… but right now, Jeff was disappointed in his feet and how they felt like nothing more than chunks of ice he was trying to balance on they were so numb.

He was able to keep his mind off it for a while, chatting with his friends until they decided to disappear off to their dorm, and suddenly he couldn't take it off of his mind. Apparently it was his turn to head to his room… even if he really didn't want it to be.

He practically walked backwards from his dorm, he was moving so slowly, but he still managed to end up in front of the door, hesitating to go in. Jeff couldn't seem to manage to get his key into the handle… He didn't want to open it; he didn't want to open it… He _so _didn't want to open it, and then… he didn't have to.

"Oh. Hi," Nick said, car keys in hand and obviously on his way out. Jeff shuffled a little bit in his place, looking everywhere but Nick's face. He didn't want to see his undoubtedly angry eyes.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"Hi."

Nick cleared his throat. "Um, so… so do you wanna, like, go get some frozen yogurt with me? I kind of had a crazing for Serendipity, and… you know… two for one," he said unbelievably awkwardly, holding up a ticket in one hand. Jeff pressed his lips together. Oh gosh, this _was_ awkward. He could definitely get behind Nick on this one…

"Um… that's okay, I'm not… I'm not…" he couldn't remember what he was going to say, but Nick finished for him.

"Hungry?" he guessed, a certain sadness filling his eyes that Jeff didn't quite like. He kicked at the ground.

"Yeah."

A pause.

"Whelp," Nick said, clapping his hands together and filling up the silence. Jeff allowed his eyes to flutter up at him for a minute to see Nick avoiding his gaze in just the same he was. "I… I've gotta go, then…" he stammered, and Jeff realized just how much he hated being uncomfortable around Nick. Why did life have to be so awful sometimes?

"Yeah…" he said in a daze, "Yeah, you probably should." And then there was that awkward moment where they fumbled around each other, Nick trying to get out and Jeff trying to get in. Eventually, they made their way around each other, and Jeff found his way to socks, thank goodness.

And then he realized something else.

He really wanted to find his way to Nick.

**Guys, I totally called this whole Klaine drama. I hate everything… FanFiction is meant to stay on FanFiction, and like… Did you hear about how someone's supposed to be in an abusive relationship next episode? It's like they're trying to get us back, I swear. **

**I'm totally not happy, and thrilled at the same time.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I love relaxing. I have nothing to do today… I'm planning on keeping that as a thing. I have some chem homework this weekend and some studying for finals, but that's it. No friends to deal with or anything. I love it!**

**And I'll be real. I've been putting this chapter off for forever… but guys, mad thank you to my girl PastaMama for basically deciding what to do with Jeff for me… **

**Let's get a tidge angsty, shall we?**

You know what the one thing Jeff didn't like about Dalton was? You couldn't leave the dorm out of uniform. Ever. If any of the students wanted to leave the school, they still had to wear their blazers out to their cars. Even when Jeff crept out for sleepovers in the other guys' rooms, he carried his pajamas and changed there because the penalty for improper dress code was much more intense than sneaking out during lights out.

And wearing a uniform wasn't just pulling on a button down and throwing on a tie. No, Dalton had _class_. All boys were expected to be impeccably dressed, which meant your button down had to be spotless and bleached white and your tie had to be tight around your neck. And unfortunately, everything was expected to be wrinkle free.

So that left poor Jeff ironing on a Saturday morning, pulling pieces on as he finished. He was currently working with only a pair of pants, his belt, black socks, and a white undershirt –all Dalton issued, naturally. On a Saturday. He was currently trying to flatten his dress shirt and thinking quite heavily about Nick.

His roommate had left the dorm early that morning, leaving a note on the back of the door saying he had gone out for coffee with Trent. Jeff _hated that_. He was angry with Nick for not wanting him, and angry at Trent for stealing him away, but mostly? Jeff was just so angry with _himself_ for letting this happen.

It was his fault completely.

God, see… he _knew_ he wasn't good enough, but Nick being gone for him made everything seem so… _hopeless_. Nick meant everything to him, and seriously? Had it really been since _Tuesday_ that they last talked? Jeff hated that, and he hated himself, and…

_Shit!_

Jeff hissed as the tip of the iron hit his hand. That's what he got for not paying attention. It may have also had something to do with how dizzy and how hungry he was, but Jeff was beyond used to dealing with that at this point. The skin on his finger immediately turned bright red and stung like a lot of words Jeff would probably get in trouble for shouting in such a prestigious prep school, but… gah, that _hurt. _

And for some reason, Jeff didn't mind.

* * *

"I miss him, Trent. I know you've officially decided that he needs to come and talk to me, but, like… I don't think he has the confidence to," Nick sighed, picking at the coffee collar around his cup, refusing to look Trent in the eye. He didn't want to see the skeptical look he knew would be there… Every time he kept something from Trent, the other boy inevitably found out. But this time, it was Jeff's secret to keep, and Nick knew he couldn't buckle under the other boy's all-knowing stare without serious consequences. Trent shifted in his chair across their tiny table.

"Look, I know…" he hesitated to speak, something so rare that it made Nick look up and take in the look of hurt on Trent's face. "I know that you guys are closer to each other than to… to me, and I know you have some… _secrets_ going on right now, but, Nick, I still don't think that it's your turn to do anything. I feel like if he twisted your words to mean whatever he thinks they do, then he needs to work it out on his own that you still love him or whatever." Nick bit his lip.

"Trent… you know we both love you a ton, right? I mean… I'm talking about this with you." Nick looked at the other boy imploringly, this time Trent the one denying them eye contact. He rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, but you guys _love_ each other," he said, and coughed a bit behind his hand. The other boy's expression seemed oddly genuine, and a terrible feeling of guilt passed over Nick. He could be so focused on Jeff… sometimes he just forgot about Trent. "Sue me if I feel a bit left out sometimes while you have eye-sex across the room, even when I'm sitting right next to you." Nick flushed.

"We don't have _eye-sex_, Trent, and could possibly say that any louder?" he hissed from across the table, narrowing his eyes but keeping his voice light, hoping his friend would still take him seriously. Trent let out a puff of air.

"You know what? Yeah, you do, Nick. Stop treating me like I'm stupid. I don't get why it's a big deal for me to know you like Jeff. If we talk about this, I don't understand why we can't talk about that, too." Nick wanted to say something biting back. He wanted to prove that he didn't love Jeff. He wanted to yell at Trent for even suggesting it, but the look on the other boy's face… and how he had already hurt two of the most important people in his life…

"You're right," he agreed, and it felt like his entire body decompressed with the admission. "I love Jeff." Trent smirked, a sad look in his usually sharp eyes.

"I knew it. So what are you gonna do?" he questioned, and Nick was thrown off.

"About him being mad at me?" he asked, and Trent smirked.

"No about your oh-so-obvious _crush_," he sang, and Nick could feel his entire face redden. He scratched at the back of his head. What was he going to do? Wouldn't it be wrong to try to date Jeff when his whole life was such a mess? If they didn't work out… no. Nick knew they would be fine. Maybe that just proved he was too head over heels for his own good, but Nick had a feeling they could stay together for an incredibly long time. He loved his Jelffaba. They could do anything. But that still didn't mean it was right…

"I don't know, Trent…" he breathed, suddenly feeling like in taking air was way too hard. "I don't think he's in a good enough head space for me _to_ do anything, even if…" Trent smiled coyly.

"If you don't get your hands on him you'll die, and you can't take another day of thinking about him, but you do all the time anyway, and it's seriously time you did something about it?" he asked, and Nick felt violated, that was so close to what he was actually thinking. He scrubbed his eyes.

"It's like you're reading my mind. How would you even _know_ that?" he asked, and Trent stood up, patting his cheek as he went to throw away his empty coffee cup.

"You're not the only one who's in love with the ridiculously oblivious, Nicholas," he said, jingling his keys in his pocket and Nick took it as a sign that he was ready to go back to school. He got up from the table, straightening out his blazer and adjusting his tie because he was a Dalton kid: perfection was expected. He felt a little uncomfortable doing it, though, under the adoring eyes of the barista's over the counter. It was a shame… any other two Dalton boys would be hitting on these girls all over –a little desperate for female attention in a school filled solely with boys- but Nick and Trent obviously weren't any other two Dalton boys.

* * *

Oh… _itch_. Frick, frick, _frick_, this hurt so bad. Jeff was squirming under the pain… he was resting the iron on his arm, shirt completely abandoned, but oh my- _frick,_ this hurt. He dropped to his knees, refusing to move the iron away from his arm, trapping it between the hot metal and his ironing board. However, Jeff wasn't sure if he could move it if he wanted to, he was in so much pain.

Jeff had his eyes closed, unable to focus on anything but his burning skin, but when he opened them, Nick was above him. Jeff was completely confused. When had he gotten there? Why didn't his arm hurt? How had Nick gotten his iron? With some alarm, Jeff realized there were tears streaming down his face and he brought a hand to his cheeks slowly, his fingers coming away wet.

A hand slapped across his face.

"Jeff!" Nick yelped, and suddenly the blonde realized he was talking to him and _had_ been talking to him. His face stung from where his roommate had hit him, but he was too confused and preoccupied by the immense pain in his arm to do anything about it. "Jeff, what were you thinking? Wha~" Nick was crying, and guilt washed over Jeff. He looked down at his arm, horrified by the indent the iron had left on his skin, a big red triangle of sorts.

"Nick, I…"

"No, Jeff, I… No. What are you…? Okay. Okay, just… let's go to the nurse, okay? Pull on your blazer, we're going to go, okay? Okay. Oh my… _Jeff_, let's just go. Just in your t-shirt; let's just go." He nodded in response and let Nick lead him away, feeling absolutely terrible. Nick was struggling to hold back sobs, and Jeff just felt… numb. He hated that Nick was crying, and he hated himself for letting it happen, and… Ugh. How hard was it to do something right for a change?

* * *

Nick was sitting in his bed, knees curled up to his chest and watching Jeff very, _very_ carefully. The other boy was staring up at the ceiling, one arm crossed over his stomach and the other one –bandaged and intimidating looking- laid out on his bed like he was. Nick was scared. He was so thankful he hadn't come into the room a second later, but… but he wished he had never left at all.

Because Jeff had hurt himself.

You know, people talk an awful lot about cutting and self-harm, and it's not like Nick hadn't seen self inflicted scars on people or anything of the sort before, but… but there was something different there when it came to _watching_ someone hurt themselves. Hearing a story was one thing, but… but seeing it? That made things so real, so… so scary.

And now he regretted waiting for Jeff to talk like Trent had advised him because even if neither of them had even began to think that this kind of thing would happen, it had, and that made Nick feel more guilty than anything ever could…

Jeff seemed pretty worse for the wear. The nurse had given him a long speech on nutrition after finding she had been able to wrap her hand entirely around his arm while bandaging it, saying that he was probably exercising too much without enough fuel, and that now his body was eating unhealthily at his muscle tissue. She also said lots of things about body issues, and that 15% of kids in the United States were obese, and 30% thought they were, and if Jeff ever had problems with that then he should come and see her or a counselor.

Nick didn't want Jeff to have to see a counselor.

He wanted him to be happy and healthy, and he sure as hell never wanted him to _hurt_ himself. Nick pulled himself out of his bed and sat on the edge of Jeff's. He hadn't thought about what he wanted to say to him yet, but he did know that he couldn't stand being across the room from him for a second longer. He practically exploded from shock when Jeff spoke first.

"I'm sorry," he said, voice hoarse and Nick could tell he was one wrong word away from crying. Nick grabbed his hand, thumbing the bandages at his wrist.

"It's okay, you just… scared me. That's all." They were both speaking very quietly. Dusk had crept up on them and the room was dark, neither of them realizing the sun had gone down to the point where they needed lights on. "I hate the idea of you being hurt." Jeff turned away, kicking his feet a little uncomfortably.

"I just… I don't get _why_. I thought… I don't know, I thought…" A few tears leaked down Jeff's face and Nick scooted closer to him, letting his body crumble on top of the other boy's so his head was resting on the blonde's chest.

"Jeff, I hate what you've been thinking," Nick said, his own voice cracking. "I said what I said because I hate your mom, not because I don't believe in you. I hate her as much as I hate you thinking I don't love you as much as I do, and as much as I hate you not loving yourself as much as you should, and as much as I hate you not thinking you're as perfect as you are…" Nick sniffled, trying to compose himself. "Why… why would you do this to yourself?" he asked, gently running his fingers over the other boy's hurt arm. Jeff shuddered beneath him, and Nick could feel him struggling to take a breath.

"I'm so sorry, Nicky…" he only said, and Nick sat up on his elbows. He extended his hand to brush the hair out of Jeff's wet eyes.

"Why are you sorry, Jeff? What's going on?" The other boy wiped his nose on his shoulder before answering.

"I'm… I'm sorry for not being able to do anything right. I'm sorry for being so _stupid_, I'm sorry for hurting _somebody_ no matter what I decide, but mostly, I'm… I'm so, _so_ sorry for upsetting you, Nicky. I… I'm _so sorry_. I made you cry, and I scared you, and I feel so bad…" Nick hugged around his middle.

"Jeff… don't feel bad for any of that; you're trying so hard… I… I just want you to eat more, Jeff. That's all, okay? And you don't have to do it for me, I just… I think it's important to do for _you_," he told him, and Jeff looked at him a bit hopelessly.

"But my mom-"

"Is a _liar_, Jeff. You're perfect, you've always been perfect, and you don't need to do anything to try to prove that to her. You…" Nick was getting choked up, and he hated it. This wasn't _Nick_ time. It was Jeff time. And right now? Jeff needed him not to be upset. "Jeff, just don't… don't take anything that comes from her out on yourself. This isn't you, Jeff. It's not you hurting yourself like this, it's her, and I can't let… I can't let her hurt you like this. You're much too important to me." Jeff was absolutely sobbing at this point.

"I'm sorry, Nickpea."

"Don't be sorry, Jeff. It's not you." Crap, now _Nick _was sobbing. He fisted his hands into Jeff's shirt. "It's not you; I promise. It's not… Oh gosh, Jeff. It's not." Nick struggled to take a breath. "I just need you, I _need _you, to… to take care of yourself. Promise me you'll try."

"I promise."

**That was such a pain to write. SUCH. A. PAIN. Thank you so much for reading. Reviews would be lovely and quite inspiring. **

**Sorry for the crappy editing job this chapter!**

**Also, feel free to stop me cold if I ever go on too many weird nutrition rants. I get worked up and I know a lot, so like... With Jeff doing what he's doing I may go a bit crazy with it, and I want you to yell at me if I do!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Okay, sorry for my total absence as of late. One word: FINALS. Like… The guilt overcoming me for not studying as we speak is getting a little real. I am unintelligent so it's vital that I get this crap done…**

But I also feel bad about not writing a lot lately, so the goal is at least two updates this weekend, maximum goal being four. Sorry for my dumbness! I feel so guilty!

"_Ma'am?" Nick called out into what appeared to be an empty nurse's office. He stepped in the room a little farther, dress shoes tapping loudly on the marble tile. "Excuse me, is there anyone available?" he said a little louder, nearly jumping out of his skin when a heavyset woman crept up behind him. _

"_Sure, honey, what do you need? Is your friend okay?" the lady asked, and Nick realized she was the same nurse who had helped Jeff out earlier. Guilt immediately crept into his system when he realized he couldn't remember her name. Nick bit his lip. _

"_Yeah, I just… He…" Nick couldn't find words, and the nurse regarded him carefully, her eyes narrowed and sharp before an understanding smile washed over her features. Nick squirmed. He didn't want to be doing this. He didn't want to _have_ to be doing this. However, despite Jeff's promises, he figured he was probably going to require a bit more help than he would ever ask for. That was the thing about Jeff. All smiles outside, but one stubborn frown on the inside. _

"_Do you want some advice, sweetie?" she questioned knowingly, and Nick just nodded. The nurse seemed helpful, but this was still much too uncomfortable for his liking. She pondered something for a minute before starting. "Alright, love. I don't know how much you know, but I'm assuming you understand that your body needs food to live, right?" she asked with a bit of a laugh, and Nick stiffened._

"_Well… yeah…" he answered, and the nice lady in front of him nodded. _

"_Good. What happens when you don't eat is, not only do no nutrients go to your head to power your brain, but -to make up for it- your body starts eating away at itself. It starts feeding on your muscle tissue so you can survive, and that's obviously not a good thing for anybody and also why it's important to eat before and after you exercise." Nick paled. _

"_It… It starts eating itself?" he asked, suddenly feeling like he needed to cram down a granola bar or something. He shifted awkwardly in his spot, while the nurse just smiled at him. _

"_Yes, but it only starts to become a problem in extraneous conditions," she stated, and Nick switched his worrying from himself and back onto Jeff. He was starting to believe that Jeff counted as having one of those "extraneous conditions". "For the best nutrition, most doctors believe eating every three hours is the best way to go about it, starting when you wake up and especially before and after sports practices. Have small meals like an orange and a yogurt or something following the six, nine, twelve, three, six, nine rule." _

"_What's that?" he questioned, and the nurse elaborated. _

"_Those are the times doctors recommend you eat at. Basically, you're just throwing a little extra snack or so between your regular meals and all them are smaller than usual." Nick immediately stuck this new information into his head where he wouldn't forget it and thanked the nurse, whose name he still couldn't remember, and left. _

_He could get Jeff to do that_.

* * *

Nick handed Jeff an apple on their way to Thad and David's room and watched with dismay as the blonde immediately threw it into a trashcan as they passed by. He sighed. This was getting old. "Jeff, you promised you'd_ try_," he reminded him, and the blonde threw him a glare.

"Yeah, I said I'd _try_. I didn't say I'd eat six times a day, that's ridiculous. It's like you _want_ me to be fat," Jeff threw back, and Nick bit his lip before he let the string of curses he was holding back slip out. He was so sick and _tired_ of having this argument every day. What was it that Jeff wasn't understanding?

"Jeff. You're 5'10'' and 126 pounds. You're target weight is 160," he said coldly before he allowed his tone to become a little more desperate. "You're not… you're not filled out properly and… and I don't know what to do to convince you that you need a change." Jeff just stared angrily at him, and Nick couldn't help but let out another sigh because… well, what else was he supposed to do? Nick wasn't lying when he said he didn't know… He really didn't. "Okay, fine. We won't talk about this now, but Jeff… we have to talk about it at some point, okay? I know you're doing your best to eat, but… but you're still not having enough, and-"

Nick cut himself off as Jeff knocked on their friend's door, their destination having been reached. Thad immediately swung it wide open. "Welcome, dudes! Come straight into my world of Modern Warfare!" he yelped excitedly, and Nick watched his best friend push past him angrily. Thad's smile faltered momentarily as he cast a concerned look to Nick. He shrugged in response, sauntering into the room. He needed a vacation…

* * *

"Suck it, Nick, I'm taking out everything," David growled. Nick just laughed, his hands ghosting over his controller. He wasn't in the mood for any hard gaming, but David and Thad were grinning at the screen wickedly, going off on more killstreaks than Nick every thought humanly possible… Jeff seemed to be extremely focused, too. While Thad and David were content to just let him stew in whatever bad mood he had gotten himself into, Nick was worried…

However, he was also too mad to do anything about it. Seriously? Jeff _refused_ to listen to him. Nick knew he was supposed to be patient and that change didn't happen over night, especially for someone with a mother as hellish as Jeff's, but… but really? It was like Jeff didn't trust him anymore, and Nick was done being guilty about it. Now he was angry.

Jeff wouldn't _listen_ to him. He needed Jeff to… to listen. Nick had so much to tell him…

"Shit," Nick cursed as he failed to nail a soldier he'd been wasting ammo on for a solid ten minutes. He didn't even know where they were in the game, but he did know it was embarrassing to be failing this epically. He glanced at the clock. "Guys, it's seven, are you hungry?" he asked. They had been playing this game since noon. David shook his head.

"N'aw, man. Not yet," he answered, and Thad mumbled something about being too lazy to stand up and leave the dorm. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jeff tense. Nick frowned.

"Are you sure? We can get a pizza or something delivered. I'll pay," he offered, and before his friends could agree or disagree, Jeff threw his controller to the ground, standing up and whirling around.

"They aren't hungry, Nicky! Can't you just accept that? They don't want anything!" he yelled at him, and Nick shrank back a little. Thad buried his chin into his collar a little bit.

"Actually, that sounded like a great idea," he said sheepishly, earning a hard elbow in the side from David. Jeff ignored both of them.

"God, you're _always_ doing this! You can't fricking _force_ people into eating, Nick. Not hungry means _not hungry_, so why can't you just take it as an answer?" he yelped, and Nick tried to slip a mask over the panic that he was positive was showing on his face. Jeff remained livid. "Let it go! It's just a piece of pizza!" he shouted, and Nick steeled himself.

"Yeah, Jeff!" he puffed out, exasperated. "It's just a fricking _piece of pizza_. Why does it have to be such a huge fricking deal? Everyone's gotta eat at some point, so why not have _just a piece of pizza!_ Or maybe an apple? Huh? Or do you not like those cause you're throwing them out all the time!" Jeff stomped his foot like a little kid, nose crinkling up and face turning red.

'That's different and you know it. Those aren't for breakfast, or lunch, or dinner. Their just random apples that I don't want to eat. And if I don't want to, then I don't have to." Jeff wasn't shouting anymore, but his voice was dangerously low. Thad and David's eyes bounced back and forth between them, both oblivious to the real reason behind the argument. Nick was about to say something back, when David interrupted.

"Guys, it's seriously not a problem. We can just call and order something in…" he tried to reason, but Nick just turned back to Jeff with a winning smirk on his face.

"See? Even David wants you to eat," he said to Jeff haughtily. The blonde's face crumbled, and suddenly, his eyes gleamed with tears. His fingers curled into fists, and Nick immediately feel remorse sink into his heart at Jeff's hurt expression. His roommate sniffed.

"But I. Don't. Want to," he gagged out, and he darted out of the room.

* * *

Jeff Sterling had always been really great at running, and what with the _miles_ he was running daily lately… Yeah. Naturally he had a leg up on Nick Duval at this current point in time, and he couldn't be more grateful. He didn't want to talk to Nick. He didn't want to be with Nick… Nick…

Nick couldn't let it _go_.

As much as he hated to admit it, he was mad at Nick for keeping him to his promise. Well… for keeping him to his promise too _much_. And… and he was mad at him for being right.

Because Jeff _was_ hungry, even if Thad and David weren't. He honestly was, but he couldn't… he couldn't just _do_ anything about it. His mom… his mom… he wanted to make her happy, and she was never happy, and he had to go home in two weeks for memorial day weekend, and she was probably going to look at him and yell at him again if he did things Nick's way, and… and Jeff couldn't take that, he couldn't _handle _that. It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, and Nick acted like it was…

He couldn't fix this. This was too much… He was terrible and awful, and… and he couldn't look at himself. He honestly couldn't look in a mirror anymore because there was just so much _wrong_ with him. Because he had _always_ been stupid, and his body had grown but his face stayed girly, and now…

How was it that his mom could ruin things like this?

Jeff's feet pounded on the hardwood floor, and his arm nearly got wrenched of its socket when a hand snagged his wrist. He whirled around only to see Nick, having somehow caught up with him. The other boy must have seen his confusion because his roommate laughed. "I've been running, too," he explained without having been asked, and Jeff flushed. He looked at the ground, and suddenly Nick's arms were around him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into his shoulder, and Jeff swallowed hard.

"It's hard, Nicky…"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"… Me, too…"

**Guys, nutrition is a big deal to me. If you have any problems, please feel free to ask. Especially if you have any problems with anorexia. I've been there. **

**Also, if you were wondering why I picked Modern Warfare? YES, it was because of Glee Live. Good job for knowing. ;D**


	12. Chapter 12

**Guess who's done with finals? THIS GIRL! And now the world of writing is once again open to me… I'm too excited to AN, so just know two chapters of this today…**

"Jeff…" Nick sang out from across their bedroom, busy throwing the other boy's things into his unpacked duffle bag. He was already squared away, but Jeff, naturally, wasn't anywhere close.

"What?" he answered flatly, totally absorbed in something on his computer.

"We have to leave," Nick replied, his voice softening. He sat down next to Jeff on his bed, watching for a couple minutes while the other boy quickly sorted virtual cards in the most intense game of solitaire Nick had ever seen. He chucked a pillow at Jeff's head. "You're such a staller. Everyone else went home yesterday…" Jeff smirked, and threw the pillow into Nick's face, smothering him for a minute and laughing as he squirmed.

"You would be, too…" he said with a smile, and Nick immediately stilled, his heart sinking a little bit. His change in mood had Jeff frowning, and Nick grabbed his hand, trying to push away the butterflies that came with the contact. Like, seriously with this? Regardless of how much Trent had been nagging him to get together; there were just _bad times_ for falling in love. Or like-like… whatever. Jeff was perfect. Nick wanted him. And he shouldn't. The end.

He must have blanked out for a second cause Jeff was nudging him in the side. "Relax. It's just life." Nick sighed, exhaustion washing over him suddenly.

"I don't get why you won't stay with me…" he trailed off with a quick look at the clock. It was Memorial Day weekend, and they were supposed to have been long out of Dalton by now so the cleaning ladies could come in and dust or whatever. Nick wouldn't know… he didn't clean… "You don't have to go back to that."

"If I don't go today, then she'll be madder when I do."

"So then just never go back ever!" Nick exclaimed, and a hit to the head with a pillow sent him rocking back a little, his hair sufficiently mussed up. Jeff stood above him, an impish grin evident on his face.

"And you would like that, wouldn't you?" he said, turning up his nose a little bit. "Everyone wants to live with the Jeffster." Nick laughed, attempting not to think of how true the statement was when it applied to him, and rolled off the bed and onto the floor for the sake of having something to do.

"No one wants to live with a person named 'The Jeffster'. Seriously. Stop calling yourself that," he told him as he crawled over to the other side of the room. Jeff just huffed in response, crossing his arms as Nick snagged their two bags from his bed. Standing up, he tossed one to Jeff and laughed as his roommate flailed to catch it. He ducked his head out the door to see a maid cart lined with toilet paper and trash bags in the hall by Flint's room. "Just come over for, like… a second. We officially need to leave, but you don't need to go home just yet." Jeff bit his lip and pondered it for a minute before nodding slowly, letting Nick lead him out of the room.

"Do you have ice cream?" he asked as soon as they were in the hallway. "I seriously need some." Nick shouldered him a little, fighting the smile attempting to take over his face because, hey, Jeff wanted to _eat_, and that's pretty awesome.

"You're such a goon," he told him, "But probably. I mean… Kaylee is home from college, and you know her…" Jeff had to pause and hold himself up on the wall, he was laughing so hard. He struggled to catch a breath.

"Okay… okay, okay, first? A goon? Who says _goon_?" he giggled, and Nick flushed, scratching at the back of his next with one hand and using the other to adjust his blazer as it rose up awkwardly with the action. "Second, you are _so_ mean to your sister! It's not that she's _that_ chubby…" Nick snorted.

"No, she most definitely is. That's why all these boys keep breaking up with her and thus indirectly filling my house with endless tubs of Ben and Jerry's." Jeff just continued to laugh and shoved a hand in Nick's face, pushing him away as they walked out of the school. Nick scowled. "Same car?" he asked, and Jeff nodded, composing himself.

"Let's take yours," he said, already throwing his stuff in Nick's trunk before climbing in himself.

"Will do," he responded, all but slamming the back of his unfortunately girly sky blue Mitsubishi Eclipse –because his family had enough money to buy the freaking thing with a special paint job for his sister but not enough to help him avoid it as a hand-me-down- closed. He plopped down in the driver's seat and flipped on the stereo, Ke$ha belting through the speakers. Shut up. She was worth putting on a CD… He sung a long for the last five seconds of "Dinosaur" as he pulled out of the parking lot before Avril Lavigne's "What the Hell" blasted through the car's interior.

He could _feel_ Jeff light up next to him. If it wasn't for the blonde, this song would have never made it to iTunes, let alone is car, but Jeff loved Avril Lavigne, and he loved this song, so Nick would, too. He let himself smile as Jeff sang along, his voice meshing with the slightly obnoxious girl's perfectly… Jeff was perfect… Nick wished he would see it…

* * *

"Jeff, we actually don't have any ice cream," Nick said, head buried in the freezer, and Jeff must have cursed a million times inwardly. He dropped his head onto the counter dramatically. He needed this fix, and he needed it _now._ You know the feeling. When you've gone without something for a really long time and a random remembrance of it makes you crave it for days? Well, Jeff was craving ice cream. He was craving ice cream _hard. _He groaned.

"Why, Kaylee? WHY?" Nick smirked.

"I mean, I warned you. You can really only blame yourself right now," Nick told him, and Jeff lifted his head off of the Duval's island to glare at him. He refused to take his eyes off of Nick as he snatched his keys off of the counter next to him, already making plans.

"We're going to get some right now," he demanded, throwing Nick his keys and shoving his blazer back on, watching as Nick buttoned up his own, hands sliding up his tie to tighten it, and part of Jeff couldn't help but with that he was moving in the opposite direction. But whatever. Nick was sort of perfect, and Jeff was kind of used to the idea that he wouldn't be undressing for him in the near future. Or ever.

"Jeff, it's like… ten thirty. And we live in Johnstown, Ohio. Our Main Street has a library and a Domino's, and that's basically about it. Where are we getting ice cream at ten at night?" Jeff frowned.

"Kroger's?" he offered, and Nick rolled his eyes.

"The pharmacy?" he asked, and Jeff pouted. He wanted ice cream so bad… Nick sighed. "It's probably closed by now, even if they _did_ have ice cream."

"Then we'll drive to Columbus!"

"Jeff, it's a half an hour there and back! And, in case you missed it, it's ten thirty! At night! We won't be back for an hour at the least!" Jeff grabbed onto Nick's arm and gave him his best puppy dog eyes, sticking out his lower lip as far as it would go in the saddest look he could muster.

"Please, Nicky? Just think of the ice cream cones to be had! We can go to Jeni's! You can get your icky black current crap and eat it in the car!" Nick swatted him on the head, making his hair go flying.

"Fine. But black current ice cream is delicious. And anyway, it's better than your nasty grapefruit froyo," he retaliated, and Jeff stomped his foot.

"If it's pink, then it's obviously delicious, Nicky. I don't even know what you're talking about."

* * *

Nick watched Jeff warily. He had started out the trip happily, singing along to the music constantly playing in Nick's car. His CD player had been stuck for about six months, but he had done an awesome job with this playlist, so there was no way he would turn it off. Jeff knew all the words to every song, naturally, having driven around with him so much. They had talked about stupid stuff, too, like how irritating the stitching on a baseball was; they both hated how it was an infinite loop but also twisted around a sphere; it just didn't make sense.

Now, however, Jeff was really quiet. At first, Nick had thought it was because he was busy cramming his face with some the pinkest ice cream he had ever seen, the other boy choosing Cherry Lambic as a flavor, whatever the hell that was. However, Jeff's ice cream had lowly disappeared, and now the other boy was merely staring out the window, rain pelting the windows as a thunderstorm rolled across the sky. Nick knew what was wrong.

He put a hand on his knee. "You know… you really don't have to go home today. You could sleep over or… or something." Jeff shuddered, pulling his arms around himself as if to somehow hold him together.

"Yeah, I do. If I don't go back tonight, then I won't go back at all," he said quietly, and fury swelled within Nick. He punched the steering wheel before his mind could even process what his body was doing, and his horn honked in protest.

"Screw that, Jeff! Screw going back at all, I can't-" he was shouting, and Jeff looked scared, so he forced himself to take a breath. _Come on, Nick. Just calm down_. He exhaled through his nose. "Look, Jeff… I just don't want to have to do all of this over again. And… and I'm really worried about you with summer coming so soon… I just… I don't want to be somewhere that's not good for you, is all." Jeff nodded, and somehow Nick found his hand working itself into Jeff's. The other boy wasn't saying anything, just looking at him with too much emotion for Nick to process. Nick pulled over and quickly leaned over the console to wrap him up in a hug. "Just… just don't think anything stupid, okay? If you're going back…"

"Just drop me off at my house, please."

**Okay, this was inspired by this one time I was at a Work Weekend. The girls and guys were staying in this really little house where the people who worked in the infirmary stayed, so we were hanging out in the living room, and everyone had this weird desire for ice cream.**

**And we were honestly in the middle of nowhere. Like… the nearest town had a deli with Hershey's ice cream and a supermarket. And then there was like… a hardware store and a clothes shop, and a bank that I've never heard of before. And that was it. And it was a good twenty minutes away. It was just this little T in the road and that was it. So we drove but it was really late, and everything was home, and then we drove some more and got lost at night in the rain in the woods in New York. Then we came home without ice cream. Sad.**


	13. Chapter 13

**IMPORTANT: Go listen to The Piano Guys' cover of "Secrets" by OneRepublic. There aren't words for how emotional it makes me. Seriously? If there was a soundtrack to this story… this would probably be the only song. **

You know the feeling you get when your doing something you really don't want to? Like every fiber of your being is screaming for you to move in the opposite direction, but you can't listen? Because Jeff did, and that feeling was hitting him in full force as he climbed out of Nick's car.

"Last chance…" Nick offered, rolling his window down fully as Jeff walked up his driveway. He shook his head. He had to go home… He couldn't explain it, Jeff just… He had to. It was scary, and mean, and hostile, but Jeff… that's where people like Jeff belonged, and if that's how it had to be, then he'd manage to muddle through, he supposed.

"I have to go, Nicky…" he said, more guilt laced between the words than he ever thought he could fit. His breath hitched at the worried expression on his best friends face, and Jeff walked back to the car, reaching his arm through the windshield and resting his hand on Nick's cheek. The other boy grabbed his wrist in response, meeting his gaze and creating what had to have been the most intense moment he had ever had with his roommate. Jeff had to tear his eyes away as he stumbled back, leaving Nick behind to focus on the house.

He tried to appear confident as he walked up to the front door. He couldn't hesitate outside this time, so he walked straight in, holding his breath as the lock clicked in the frame. _Dear God, just this once, please let her not have heard_. Jeff closed the door slowly behind him, officially ending his opportunity to leave with Nick. Something heavy dropped in his heart.

"Jeff!" a voice called from inside, and the blonde's heart froze with fear before he recognized the voice. He didn't have a chance to respond before _Jackson_ of all people slammed into him. Jeff thought he was being attacked before he realized his brother was _hugging_ him. Angry tears rushed down the younger boy's face.

"I thought you weren't coming home," he said gruffly, and Jeff rested his hand Jackson's head, incredulous at how upset he was. Jeff cleared this throat awkwardly.

"We're in the foyer, James!" he called out, the littlest Sterling having been the one to call out to him when he first walked in. There was a noise from somewhere inside the house, and all of a sudden, a mop of white blond hair came rushing out from the kitchen.

"We thought you weren't coming!" he yelped, and ran into him in the same way Jackson had. It was taking Jeff a lot of effort to keep up his mask at the moment, tears threatening to spill over his own eyes like they were his brothers'. Relieved… He was feeling… He was feeling relieved… just like them.

"I'm… I'm sorry, I was out getting ice cream," he muttered, but the answer didn't seem to help either of his siblings get anywhere near letting go. Jeff hugged back, trying to ignore the clicking heels moving down the staircase.

"Well, if I didn't know any better, it would appear you two were happy to see your brother," his mom chuckled, and Jeff's stomach plummeted to the floor. All of a sudden, he wanted to throw up everything he had eaten since he left for Dalton. He made so many mistakes… stupid Nick… stupid, fricking Nick…

Jackson and James immediately shrunk off of him, and Jeff couldn't blame them… Gah, when had this happened? One second he was happy with Nick, and now… now he was just scared… and Jeff was so, so tired of being scared.

He wrapped his arms around his stomach, not wanting his mom to see how disgusting he probably still was. He buried his chin in his collar a bit. He didn't want her to _see_. Oh gosh, he so, so, _so _didn't want her to see… Why? Why had he listened to Nick? Even for a second?

_Cause you love him._

_Shut up!_

"Mom? Oh, shit, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I… I'm just sorry…" he muttered uselessly, and Jeff wondered when he became a coward. He didn't know what exactly he was apologizing for. He hadn't even done anything.

"Sorry for what? For constantly disappointing me? That's fine, Jeff. Do whatever you want," she said and waved him off, and just like that, she was gone. Jeff watched in disbelief as his mother strutted off to the kitchen. That couldn't be it… That wasn't it. What was he missing? He shot confused looks to both James and Jackson, but they looked just as lost as he was. Jeff took in a big gulp of air and followed his mom deep into the house.

The tall, slender woman was sitting at the island on a barstool. Her feet were tucked under her neatly, and she already had a cup of tea in her hand. Her eyes were trained on a book she held in her hands, and her eyebrows were knit together in concentration. Jeff wasn't exactly sure what to do. He felt invisible, suddenly, and for a long time… he hadn't wanted his mom to notice him. But this was scary. She was calm. Too calm.

"Mom?" his voice sounded meek, but Jeff wasn't surprised. He was a meek kind of guy. She made a humming sound to acknowledge him, and Jeff immediately looked to the ground, kicking it with his toe a little bit. He could feel his siblings' gaze, hot on his shoulders and making his cheeks burn. "Is there… Do you want me to do anything for you?" he asked, unsure of himself.

"Why would I want you to do anything?" she asked, and Jeff couldn't say anything. Wouldn't say anything. _Because you always want me to do something. _His mother seemed to sense that he wasn't going to respond and perked up in her seat, a weird sort of smile creeping onto her face.

"You know what I want, Jeffery, dear? I want to not have to deal with you anymore," she said, her voice so sweet, that it hurt Jeff's brain to hear her say such terrible things. "Remember what you promised when you first walked in this house Spring Break? You promised to loose weight, Jeff. It's not like you being so heavy is _that_ big of a problem. I mean… I suppose I can deal with an obese son, but… but your so many _other_ disappointing things Jeff. I'm sick of being the mom with the fat _and_ dumb _and_ ugly _and_ gay son. You wouldn't believe the sad looks the neighbors give me. I thought… I thought things were going to get better Jeff, but… but you're too impaired to make that happen, I supposed."

"I'm sorry," he squeaked, hiccupping on a sob. Shit… when had he started crying? He raced to catch up with his falling tears. His mother _tsk_ed from her spot at the counter.

"Don't even start with me. It's a little too late for sorry, don't you think?" she asked, and Jeff felt like crumbling. His mom all but popped up in front of him, suddenly very close without him having seen her get there. She rested her hand on his shoulder and pushed. Jeff didn't even fight it, just got on his knees… and that made him hate himself so much more. She bent down over him. "You're not my son anymore. You don't count."

And with that, she stalked off, leaving Jeff weeping openly on the floor, humiliated before his brothers yet again. They both seemed to be glued to their spots in the foyer, but Jeff didn't care. He was glued to his own spot in the kitchen, and he didn't intend to move.

And his chest hurt. His chest hurt so bad because each _sob_ hurt so bad, and Jeff couldn't stop crying because what his mom said hurt just as bad as his lungs did, and his brain burned as much as his lungs did, and he felt just as starved as his lungs did, but it wasn't because he was hungry this time, even though it was a sadly familiar feeling for him at this point…

Normally… normally when he's upset like this he just goes numb. He'd just cry until he starts to feel again, and then that sadness is oddly what gets him to stop. But now Jeff is sad. So sad. It felt like things were being torn from him. Like it was the first time again. It simultaneously felt like every bit of happiness was being wrenched from him and every bit of sadness was being forced back into him at the same time. It ached all over, and Jeff held himself on the cold tile of his kitchen.

It had been eleven thirty when he got home, but it was considerably later now. He didn't know where his family was, but Jeff did know that he couldn't stay on the floor like this. He couldn't be _alone_ like this. His fingers blindly dialed the number he knew better than his own.

Two rings.

"Nick?" he asked, and it startled him to hear how much raw emotion was in the name. The breathing on the other end of the line quickened. "Can you come over? The front door is unlocked, I think. I'm just… I'm just… Oh, shit…" Jeff couldn't find it within himself to spit out another word. Nick's line clicked off, and a terrifyingly empty _abandoned_ feeling swept over Jeff, before he heard someone come into the house less than a second later. Nick was at his side in seconds. "That was fast," he choked out with a grin as Nick pulled him up into a hug.

"I couldn't even _remember_ how to get home, I didn't want to leave so bad…" the other boy muttered mostly to himself. Jeff tried not to think about how embarrassing that was -especially because Nick was one quick trip through the woods away, so he totally could have gone home- and instead smiled into Nick's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he muttered right back, not in the mood for hiding his apologies away anymore. Nick laughed lightly under his breath.

"Want me to leave?" he asked, and Jeff could hear the dumb expression he probably had plastered on his face in his voice. Normally he would elbow him in the side and scoot a bit closer to him on the couch. Now he was just sad.

"No. Holding me is fine, thank you."

**Hmmm… I have no plans for tomorrow. It's also my sixteenth birthday starting at 2 and I have to clean like a mad person before hand, so we'll see what I get done for you all. **

**IMPORTANT: Did you listen to The Piano Guy's cello/orchestral version of "Secrets" by OneRepublic yet? Cause if you haven't, I don't get why… That's what this was written to and all, sheesh ;D**


	14. Chapter 14

**I sit at my computer, and I just kind of glare at it for a while until there's nothing interesting left to do and a new chapter suddenly sprouts up in front of me. Then I mess around and do a bad job editing, so sorry about that.**

Another question for you: you know that feeling when you wake up somewhere you don't remember falling asleep? It's all disorienting, and, for a couple minutes, you can't figure out where you are, just that it's most definitely not your bedroom? Jeff Sterling woke up exactly like that, except instead of being relieved to figure out just where the hell he was, he managed to flip out that much more.

"_Shit_, Nick!" he yelped, struggling to twist around and push the other boy off of him. He had just woken up with his best friend most definitely wrapped around him, and –crap- how had they gotten so entangled? Nick was holding him tight to his chest, pinning his arms down, and Jeff couldn't seem to break away at all. Damn Nick and his weight lifting. Damn his shrimpy arms. Damn his long legs for getting so knotted into his Nick's.

Naturally, Nick -being the cuddly sleeper that he was- just pulled him in tighter, nuzzling his nose into his neck. Jeff shuddered. This was not the time for this. His mom… his mom was in the _house_. He needed Nick _off_. Jeff squirmed harder until the sound of footsteps on the stairs made him immobile.

"Nick." The word felt thick. "Nick, I need you to get off. _Please_…" he all but breathed out, too scared to move. The only thing that heard him was the cold kitchen tile.

The sound of footfalls resounded behind him down the foyer hallway and paused at the door to the kitchen. Jeff couldn't turn around, Nick's hold a death grip, but he didn't need to. "Good morning, Jeffery." Shit.

_Mom. _"Nick…" he gagged, his voice shakier than he would have expected or wanted it to be. Naturally, his roommate _finally _decided to stir, and Jeff let out a shudder in relief. Nick's arms loosened, and Jeff immediately broke free, making it across the kitchen and against the wall before even realizing he had moved. It took Nick unfortunately long to realize what was going on.

"Jeff?" he asked lazily, sitting up on one elbow and scrubbing at his eye with his free hand. Jeff couldn't answer, just tense a little harder under the harsh stare of his mother. He screwed closed his eyes as tightly as he could, like that could block everything out, and a chill ran through him when he heard his mom come near. All too suddenly, he felt her face next to his own.

"You don't have to be scared, fag," she whispered so Nick couldn't hear. "Remember? You don't count." She kicked him in the shins lightly. It didn't hurt, but, God, did it make him feel worthless. "However," she continued, "Being useless? That might not be the best thing for you. Cause no one treats pathetic things nicely." He struggled not to cry because he could just _feel_ Nick staring at him, and that wasn't good because Jeff loved Nick, and Nick could never love him, especially when he saw how the people who were _supposed_ to love him treated him because that was just it: people were _supposed_ to, but they didn't, and Jeff just couldn't… he couldn't have that be the same with Nick. He couldn't; dear _God_, he couldn't...

And as quickly as she came, his mother had gone, leaving Nick and Jeff alone in the room. Jeff still couldn't seem to open his eyes. He didn't want to see Nick, and maybe… maybe he didn't want Nick to see him either. He wasn't two. He knew that closing his eyes wasn't going to make him suddenly invisible, but… but that didn't mean he was going to open them anyway.

"Just go, Nicky."

"Jeff, I-"

"Just!" He all but shouted the word. "_Go_." And suddenly he had lost all energy.

But Nick didn't go. No, instead Nick just scooted closer; that same sad, worried look he always wore shining in his eyes. But Jeff didn't want it. It didn't mean anything cause Nick was who messed him up. Nick was the one who made this happen; he… he had ruined him. Damn his weakness… "I can't just-"

"Yes, you can!" he interrupted, as loud as possible. "You… This is all your fricking fault so just… so _leave!_ I can't… _I_ can't, Nicky. I can't deal with you, so _just go!_" He sounded crazy. He didn't care.

"Jeff-"

"GO!"

Jeff had never seen Nick move away from him so quickly. He had seen him run like that, sure, but it was always _towards_ him. Never away like this. It felt like the kick to his shins… it said more than it actually was…

Jeff buried his face in his knees and didn't care who saw him cry.

* * *

Nick hadn't really thought about calling Trent; although, he sort of regretted it when he jumped the Nixon's fence to find his best friend playing a rather intense game of tonsil hockey with Thad. The two were sprawled out on a lawn chair in Trent's backyard. Maybe Dalton was a gay school… He arched an eyebrow. "Wait, is this _him_," he asked, referencing their conversation at the coffee shop and startling the two boys apart.

"God, _yes_," Trent gasped, trying to suck in air after Nick had scared the ever-loving crap out of him. Nick could tell that Trent was angry, but all traces of frustration melted away when he took a good look at him. "Should Thad go home?" he asked, and Nick practically melted _himself _in relief.

"That might be best."

* * *

Jackson bit his lip. Jeff was huddled on the kitchen floor, just like he had left him last night, and once again, Jackson felt guilty. Jeff… Jeff taught him how to ride a bike. Jeff played action figures with him even when it wasn't cool anymore. Jeff helped him build his baking soda and vinegar volcano in sixth grade when he left it until ten o'clock the night before it was due. Jeff was his big brother…

And he let their mom destroy him.

For a really long time, Jackson thought he had the right to hate Jeff because he pushed their dad away, but now… now Jackson was thinking that wasn't exactly fair. Because while he was busy being all awesome and above him, Jeff was busy sucking. And Jeff didn't deserve to suck.

He thought Jeff had left forever. He really had. And that had scared him shitless. He would never get to say sorry, and it was seriously about time he did. Jackson hadn't treated him right… what did he expect all that glaring to accomplish, anyway? Had he thought it would bring their dad back? And it had taken fricking James sobbing all over him to finally realize just what the hell he was doing wrong… then he fricking left him alone, and now… Well, Jackson certainly got an earful on his way downstairs about just how gay Jeff was…

He put a hand on Jeff's shoulder, trying to ignore James eyeing them from the doorframe. "Jeff… Jeff, I think it's time we got you out of the kitchen, okay?" Jackson asked, and Jeff raised his head up at him. Shit… People shouldn't look that sad. He didn't wait for an answer, just slinked an arm around his brother's waist and led him away. "Come on, bro."

He managed to get Jeff into the living room, but he seemed to refuse to sit on the furniture, and Jackson just gave up.

"Whatever. Sit wherever the hell you want," he spat, walking away from him, and immediately regretted it… Why was he so fricking angry all the time? Jackson couldn't help it. He was mad at his dad, and he was mad at his mom, but he was tired of being mad at Jeff, so he didn't get why he still was…

"I'm sorry for being," Jeff choked, and Jackson whirled around on his heel, surprised.

"Sorry for being what?" he asked, and then cleared his throat. He still wasn't used to his deep voice… Fricking late blooming and all that shit. Whatever… Jeff shook his head sadly, leaning up against the wall.

"Just for being."

* * *

"Great weather we've been having, huh?" Trent asked, flopping down on his chair after uprooting Thad from his spot on top of him and pushing him away towards his car, not without a "see you later, boo," much to Nick's displeasure. He had yet to get used to this pairing…

"What are you even talking about? Trent. Serious stuff is going on, and I can't… I can't…" Apparently he couldn't finish a sentence. Trent put his hands up in surrender and ducked his head a little bit as if to avoid the tears Nick knew were about to burst forth from his eyes.

"Calm down, bro. I was just handling the small talk portion of whatever this is," he assured him. Nick just shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

"I'm worried about him, Trent," Nick said, words tumbling out before he thought of them. "Jeff… he needed me, and he pushed me away, and now he's probably alone, and he can't be alone, Trent. You have to understand, he can't be alone, but he won't let me near him, and I-"

"Woah, dude. Relax. If you want, I can go find him or whatever…" Nick shook his head. Trent didn't know what he was offering. He didn't know what Jeff was dealing with, and that was sort of a requirement at this point when it came to dealing with his Jeff Sterling.

"It's complicated; you don't…"

"What, understand?" Trent asked, and there was a look in his eye that made Nick regret ever underestimating Trent Nixon. That boy knew more than he let on… "I understand everything just _fine_, Nick. I'm not the oblivious one here; I'm the patient one. Quit acting like you're in this superior bubble above me, cause I'm right there with you. I know Jeff's home life _sucks_, and I'd love to try and fix it, but no on ever cares about annoying Trent Nixon. Well, except for Thad… but you and Jeff certainly don't. And I don't get why you don't think he shouldn't be by himself. I mean, he dealt with this for years on his own because he wasn't ready to tell anyone, and that's fine, and he's fine, so what makes it different now? Why is it so bad that he's alone?"

"Because he shouldn't have to be!" Nick yelped, and immediately tried to suppress the defensive feeling brooding inside him. Talking with Trent… it was never easy. He took a deep breath to calm himself. "Look, Trent… Jeff's really unstable. Like… self-harm unstable. I'm pretty sure that's new, and I'm worried… I'm sorry we don't include you, Trent. I really am. I didn't know that you were… that you were so concerned, and I'm sorry. But right now Jeff could be… he could be _hanging himself_ for all we fricking know, and that's not-" Nick was cut off when Trent threw his keys at him.

"Let's go. You're driving."

* * *

Jeff sat on the floor. He didn't deserve the couch. He didn't deserve anything.

And he was sick of pretending that he did.

* * *

"Mom, what… Why are you so mad at Jeff?" James asked, sitting on the foot of his mother's king sized bed. It was a big mattress for only one person… That's why James didn't hate his mom. She was sad. Just like him.

"Because he's a disappointment, honey," she answered as she walked over to kiss him on the forehead, pulling her hair up into the same twisty bun she always did. James frowned. And that was why he didn't love his mom. Well… not anymore. It wasn't fair for her to be so mean to Jeff. Jessica was mean to Jeff, too, but she was a kid.

And she hadn't hit his face.

"But I mean… what did he do this morning that was so bad? What were you yelling to Jackson about earlier when he woke up?" he asked, feeling ever so young and naïve. Being twelve was hard… You wanted to be adult, but you couldn't ever seem to manage it. His mom sat down at her vanity and stuck a long, chopstick of a hairpin into her bun and dug around her make up case for something.

"Ah, there we go…" she said, pulling out her red lipstick and applying it as she answered his question. "This morning your unfortunately worthless brother was found cuddling up with some boy in the kitchen. I'm not exactly one to tolerate such behavior when the two participants are of the same gender, and I don't think anyone could blame me." James pulled at some of the loose threads on his mother's duvet, the harsh sounds of an unpracticed cello piece filling the house as Jessica practiced.

"Yeah, but _why_?" he asked, hating how whiney he sounded. He was in sixth grade now. He was at the middle school. Middle schoolers were supposed to be the big kids and look down on all the elementary schoolers. James still felt like he was eleven.

"Because, darling, it's unnatural. Think about it, if two boys can't make a baby, then there's no good reason for them to be together, is there?" she asked, using a big makeup brush to put something on her face. James wouldn't know what. He wasn't a girl.

"Yeah there is. They could love each other," he countered, confused. His mom laughed a little bit, pausing with her brush in the pink stuff she was putting all over her cheeks.

"No they can't, sweetheart. That's not how people are made. It's why your father left: because of Jeff's stupid choices." James glared at his mom in the mirror.

"How would you know? Just because you never loved a girl doesn't mean that no other lady ever has. Plus, if you like boys, shouldn't you understand why Jeff does? You both like the same thing." James thought he was making sense, but his mother's face said otherwise.

"You'll understand when you like girls," she said, and James crossed his arms. His mom treated him like he was _seven_, he swore…

"Mom, I already like girls. We played spin the bottle at Missy's party last weekend, and I made out with Barbie for a full twelve seconds!" he replied, and his mother just rolled her eyes.

"The things parents name their daughters these days… Why can't people just pick normal names like 'Jessica'?" James kicked at the ground. His mother was so absolutely frustrating, he couldn't help but shout in response.

"God, why do you have to think you're so _right_ all the time? They're just _names_ mom! And I happen to like them! And so what if Jeff was snuggling with some guy last night? It was just snuggling! And it's your fault he was! You made him cry! Moms aren't supposed to make their sons cry, they're supposed to fix it, unless you think that you're right again and that I'm wrong about that cause, last time I checked, you actually do know how to be a good mom, but you don't care about Jeff at all!" he shouted, and his mother set her jaw.

"I think you need to go to your room, James. You're the wrong one here. Don't you _ever _address your mother like that." James obeyed but kicked the doorframe on the way out, all of his anger for everything that happened under his roof boiling up inside him. He could feel his face turning fire engine red.

"Dad didn't leave because of Jeff. He left because of you!" he shrieked like the immature child he was so trying not to be, and stormed off to his room.

The house was quiet when the cello immediately stopped playing.

**I always thought Jackson would be a curser…**


	15. Chapter 15

**Whoop! Summer! **

**Okay. So my computer got taken *Sobs* cause it has to get fixed, but don't worry. I have more than one computer in my household, but there's only 3 and I have 4 family members. BUT STILL DON'T WORRY. I SHALL WRITE ON PAPER AND TYPE IT LATER IF NECESSARY. Okay? So don't worry. Are you worrying? Cause you shouldn't be.**

**I'm gonna do Love Taps right now, but then Avoiding Reality, and then Delayed Regret, and then my fluffiness The Thing About Us, and then I'm gonna finish my Blaine!Prostitute story. Cause it's about time! *fist pumps***

Jackson peeled himself off the couch at the sound of the doorbell, unhappy to have to leave the rather intense game of Mario Kart he was playing with Jeff. He hadn't known his brother was so good at that kind of stuff… crazy how he could look so haunted and still get first place on Rainbow Road… He swung open the front door only to jump and force the two visitors back outside as they attempted to push their way in.

"Woah, woah, woah, not a good time," he growled, putting a hand on Nick's chest and throwing him back into Trent causing them both to step back onto the front porch. Jackson followed outside with them, closing the door softly behind him. "You guys can't just barge in here like that, especially right _now_." Nick glared.

"Jeff _needs_ us. While you just selfishly sit around, your mom is _breaking him_, and he-"

"I think what Nick is trying to say is that we're worried about Jeff and want to see him," Trent said, slapping a hand over Nick's mouth as means of cutting him off. Jackson was starting to like Nick less and less. He rubbed his forehead, frustrated. People from normal families… they… Ugh. They just couldn't understand. He pressed his palms to his temples, face contorting from the immense pressure he was putting on his skull.

"Look," he gritted out, and immediately tried to calm down. He seriously had no reason to be this angry, he just… he always was. "I used to let all kinds of shit happen, but now I don't. Things are… _delicate_ here, and you charging in with guns blazing isn't going to fix anything. Jeff is as fine as I could make him, okay? You coming in and showing immense displays of gayness won't make anything better," he explained and watched as Nick appeared to get even more defensive.

"We weren't showing anything, and we _won't_ show anything. I don't even like Jeff like that," he said sensitively, shrugging Trent's hand off him and ignoring it when the other boy nudged him in the side. Jackson rolled his eyes.

"It's not like I would even know; I didn't see anything. But my mom saw what she wanted to see, and now everything sucks, so don't make it suck more. Go _home_," he demanded with a little stomp of his foot cause there was no easy way to let them in. Nick looked angry, and Trent looked timid. He grabbed Nick's wrist and eyed Jackson warily.

"How about if we just wait out in the car? If Jeff wants to, he can come out, or just… know we're here. I don't know…" Jackson sighed. These two weren't going to go away, apparently. A weird, warm kind of feeling settled in his stomach at the idea of Jeff having good friends, but it didn't erase the frustration and anger pulsing in his brain or the fear trying to stop his heart from beating. He didn't know why he was scared, he just kind of was a lot of the time… not as much as he was mad, but still…

"Fine, but don't stay parked in front of the house. I'll tell Jeff you're out here," he said, going back into the house without waiting on their responses. He closed the door behind him and leaned on it, letting out a puff of air. Why was this so exhausting?

* * *

Jessica peeked over the bannister at the sound of unfamiliar voices in her house, more afraid to go down the steps than any girl should be in her own home. Jackson had just shoved some strangers out of the foyer and onto the front porch, meaning Jeff was alone in the living room. She took a deep breath through her nose before flipping away some of the long loose strands of blond hair hanging in her face. Now would be a good time to talk to Jeff, she thinks, because he's currently by himself, and Jessica was too proud to let this happen around anyone else.

She padded down the stairs, biting her lip because his was hard. Jessica didn't like admitting she was wrong, and she didn't like dealing with her brother, but here she was doing both. She watched for a second as Jeff played whatever video game he was playing, concentration the soul expression on his face, and Jessica was immediately hit with a pang of guilt.

She hadn't seen Jeff not scared for a really long time.

Jessica cleared her throat, startling her brother half to death. Fear immediately washed over his face, and Jessica didn't like how it apparently wasn't just their mother he was scared of. "Jeff… I want to talk to you." He nodded wordlessly, and Jessica stiffened. She really did want to talk to him, now more than ever because Jackson and James weren't the only ones who thought Jeff wasn't coming home again, but this wasn't going to be fun either, and maybe Jeff wasn't the only person scared at the moment. "It's about… It's about Dad…" And of course Jessica couldn't do anything without it all going straight to hell, so Jeff started crying.

"Look, Jessica, I know," he said, voice steely despite the tears running down his cheeks. If there was one thing Jessica had realized since Spring Break, it was that Jeff was stronger than she thought he was. Sometimes people just deserve to have their sad days, especially when someone's life was as warped as Jeff was. "I know that it's my fault, I just-"

"No, Jeff," she cut him off, not interested in this stupid blame game anymore, "It's not your fault and… I don't know. Mom hit you cause she hates you. And I… I don't know. She hit you, and I… I guess I didn't want to. So I couldn't have really hated you all that much, could I have?" Jeff just stared back at her, confused and awkward. She sighed. He was right; she wasn't making all that much sense. "It's just… I guess I realized that I don't… I don't hate you. Not for anything. And I don't think Dad could have hated you either cause you didn't…" she looked at his wide eyes, "do anything wrong. You were innocent, and Mom kinda… framed you, I guess, and I'm sorry. I've been thinking really hard, and I don't know… I think it was easier to blame you than me, so…" Jessica shuffled where she stood. Whatever. That's enough. Jeff would just have to deal with that.

"Why would you blame yourself?" Jeff asked, and Jessica could tell he was genuinely lost –lucky for him- and not trying to make her confess to something she didn't want to. "You _actually_ didn't do anything wrong." She frowned.

"You didn't either, Jeff." Her older brother tugged at his collar, looking sheepish and for all the world five-years-old. Jessica couldn't deal with this; he was a freaking baby that everyone had taught all the wrong stuff. He looked uncertain, and broken, and hurt, but so naïve at the same time, and Jessica wondered why he didn't seem as angry as she herself or Jackson did. Jeff just seemed cautious and sad. She and Jackson were ticking time bombs. He scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah, I did, Jessica. I'm _gay_."

She blew her hair out of her eyes, frustrated, and Jeff mirrored her. Jessica tried not to be struck by how similar they were. Bottle blondes with expressive green eyes that betrayed Jessica on even her best days. She wondered how difficult they made things for her brother, who had to be so guarded so often. "And so is Nick, but you love him. Dad loved you, too. This is all on Mom's head, I promise." Jeff's cheeks turned an alarming shade of red.

"Jessica, how would you even know-"

"Cause he waited outside for you Jeff. He obviously likes you," she said, hating how she sounded all uppity and irritated despite the situation, but whatever. She was _trying_. That's what counted. At least, she hoped it was, seeing as her heart was pounding so hard it shook her skull. Was Jeff planning on forgiving her? Or saying something? Cause she hadn't been fair, and now she was trying to be, so if that actually _did count_, she would pretty much like to know, please. Please? "So…?" Jeff tilted his head at her, and she had lost him again. "Are we good?" Jeff beamed.

"As long as you're cool with me, then I'm cool with you," he said with a nod and a smile.

What the hell?

Jessica is actually not as okay with this answer as she thought she would be. She can think of at least three occasions where she ripped the drink Jeff was about to sip from out of his hands, took a gulp, and threw the rest of it back in his face without saying a word. People don't forgive constant crap-giving like that so easy.

"Are you kidding?" she asked, and Jeff shrugged, picking up his controller and returning his attention back to the TV screen.

"Talk to Jackson when he comes back," he answered, quirking an eyebrow up at her as the offer for two players appeared on the screen. She shrugged him off cause, well, baby steps, and nearly tripped into Jackson while leaving the room. Okay. So.

Progress.

* * *

Jeff tried to keep his smile to himself as Jessica left the room. Okay, so this was all really sucky, and maybe a bit earlier he had been planning to burn the grates of the stove into his arm as soon as Jackson left him alone, but Jessica had just fed him a lot of happy stuff. Jackson eyed him curiously as he took up his controller and sat above him on the couch, clearly aware of his change in mood, but Jeff wasn't going to say anything. No, because happy meant hope, and hope meant disappointment, and as soon as he realized that he wouldn't be happy anymore.

_Ah. There it is._

Jeff settled into the feeling that basically summed up his whole life: crushed. Cause Nick couldn't love him. Cause he couldn't love Nick. Cause it all really _was_ his fault. And cause no matter who tried to deny it, being gay was most definitely by no means okay.

And seriously? _Cause none of that could be true._ How would Jessica even know that Nick had been the one to wait outside for him in the first place? She hadn't even come downstairs last night when he got home. She didn't care. Or maybe she did, but she still wouldn't know. Gah, Jeff didn't know what to think… Jackson speaking to him pulled him from his thoughts as he mindlessly raced around Maple Tree Way.

"Just so you know, Nick and Trent are out in a car somewhere on the street waiting for you."

Shit.

**I wrote this to "Starships". That was seriously interesting…**

**Sort of short, but most of my "Get back into writing" stuff is. **


	16. Chapter 16

**Okay, I always disappear from stories when they're reaching their last leg. It just upsets me to think that they're about to be over. Like… all my hard work, you know? Gah, I hate it. **

**Also, yes, I watch Supernatural. You all can thank Pastamama for Trent's car being an Impala, pishyou…**

Jeff walked outside and searched around for a minute before his eyes fell on Trent's old, beat up, navy Impala, poorly concealed by a rather bushy bend in the street. He walked over, despite every bit of him pulling the opposite way. He didn't want to be _seen_. He didn't want to be seen by Nick who now knew the crux of it all. He had seen the epicenter of everything that he was, and it definitely hadn't been pretty. Idly, Jeff wished he had been a hurricane or a tornado with an eye in the center rather than an earthquake in which the damage just got worse the farther inward you went.

He tapped on the glass of the driver's window, alerting Trent to his presence. He watched the boy jump and offered up a watery smile to Nick as his friend frantically tried to unlock the car door. He probably would have laughed had it been any other circumstance, but unfortunately it wasn't, and he didn't feel much like smiling. Trent eventually figured out how to let him in the Impala and Jeff slipped into the back while Nick immediately started freaking out.

"Jeff, are you okay? She didn't hit you, did she? You're alright? Let me see your face. You're fine?" Nick was babbling, reaching over the seat to hold Jeff's face in his hands, tenderly rubbing his thumbs over his cheeks, and flicking aside his bangs to make sure he wasn't covering any bruises on his forehead. Jeff just shook his head, not sure what to do with himself. He just wanted Nick to get off. To get off and to stop… _caring_. People just weren't supposed to _care_ about him. He wasn't made for that, he really wasn't… Nick kept flipping and ranting on for a little bit, but Jeff successfully managed to tune him out, eventually brushing his hands away.

"Nick, I'm fine," he said quietly and maybe a bit testily, ignoring his roommate's crestfallen face.

"Jeff, I-"

"Why are you here, Nicky?" he asked, feeling exasperated and frustrated, and he wasn't sure why. "Why did you… Why did you have to come back and… Why are you here? You just… You just…" He broke off, angry that he couldn't communicate everything he was feeling and thinking, hands twitching uselessly at his sides. Nick seemed confused, and Jeff couldn't help him because he was… he was lost himself, and, gah, why did this have to be so _hard? _"You just keep coming," he finished worthlessly, a few stray tears falling past all his crumbling walls. Because walls were made of glass when Nick wanted to break them down. "You just keep coming for me, and I don't get why."

"Now's your chance, buddy boy," Trent puffed in Nick's general direction, and his friend looked stunned, but –again- Jeff didn't know _why_, forcing a few more frustrated tears to slip by his guard. "Do it or forever hold your peace." Nick gaped like a fish before shaking his head and climbing over the front seat clumsily to sit in the back with him. His hands leached onto Jeff's own.

"Jeff…" Nick spoke, but he turned away. "Jeff, please look at me." And he really didn't want to, but Jeff allowed his green eyes to stare up at stupid Nick Duval, who kept coming when he wasn't asked and fixing what Jeff wasn't sure could be. "I haven't been completely honest with you." Jeff felt like his world was turning to ash.

"You hate me," he sobbed, attempting to fill in what Nick had yet to say. The other boy blanched.

"Oh, God, Jeff… No. No, I don't hate you, quite the opposite actually; I think I might maybe… No, wait, I know I…" Nick seemed torn, looking hopefully at him like he could possibly offer up anything that would help. Jeff didn't know what was going on. He couldn't find words for him even if he needed to, and given that he had no idea what Nick was going to say, he didn't even know if he wanted to or not. Nick sighed. "Look, people normally have speeches all prepared in their heads for these kind of things, or I don't know… the moment compels them or whatever, but I'm stuck in the back of Trent's fricking Impala in broad daylight, hiding from your mom with another person in the car with us, and you're crying… and don't think I'm yelling at you or blaming you, but this isn't all that romantic, and I just really love you, and so I was hoping this would all come out perfec- oh, _shit_," Nick swore, thinking back over his words. "Oh, God, there it is." Jeff was so lost.

"There what is?" he asked, and Trent facepalmed while Nick looked as if he was doing everything in his power to avoid doing the same. Nick's hands instead fumbled tighter around his own, and all of a sudden, Jeff really looked at him. Nick's big, scared eyes and lips pressed tight together made the whole situation hit home, and Jeff felt his heart pang. "Wait a minute, what?"

"I love you, Jeff," Nick said, and while Jeff struggled to wrap his head around that, he continued to say a bunch of big things that didn't make any sense to him at all, "and I think I may have always and stuff. I just… You come in the room with your hair all… I don't know, and your eyes so… I don't _know_, it just _hurts_ to look at you, and know that you're not _mine_. I just… Oh, shit, Jeff please say something, I can't actually do this right now with you just sitting there quiet."

"Why?" Jeff managed to croak out, unable to comprehend any of this. Tears started to stream down Nick's face, the other boy crying harder than Jeff ever thought he could.

"Why?" he sniffed, choking momentarily on a sob. "Oh, God, what you mean why? How can you ask why? You're so perfect, and I just… I can't wake up without you on the other side of the room. You're home, and you're safe, and you're… I don't know. Jeff, I just don't _know_. I try to talk about why I love you, and everything just gets so tangled because there are so many reasons, and… Crap, Jeff, we both can't be crying, Trent's going to think we're insane. One of us has to suck it up," Nick laughed through his heart wrenching cries. Jeff sort of laughed, too.

"We are insane… At least, you are. You can't… you've got it backwards, Nicky. I'm not perfect, you are. _I'm_ the one supposed to be hopelessly in love with _you_." Nick smacked him upside the head before throwing his arms around his shoulders.

"You stupid, stupid boy. Let's just be in love with each _other_, okay?" he asked into Jeff's shoulder.

"Okay."

Trent sighed in the front seat, readjusting the rearview mirror back to the road instead of the two boys in the back seat. "Finally."

* * *

James threw his lamp to the floor, the bulb shattering and the shade flying off, but the plastic base remained whole, unfortunately. It was the only thing James had left to upturn in his prison, and it didn't shatter satisfyingly enough for his liking. He stared around angrily at his trashed room, knowing he should be thinking about cleaning up before his mother saw, but really just searching for something else to break. When his dad was around, he had always said he had his mother's temper. Only now, being a big middle schooler did he get what his dad meant. People really weren't supposed to throw tantrums like this… Still. James figured he was okay because at least he didn't throw anything at anybody, and his mom certainly would have.

Ugh. His mom.

James remembered when Jeff came out, and –looking back- he also remembered that his mom had been the only one who had a problem with it. James still didn't know why. What was wrong with liking boys? Even Jackson had never been able to fully explain that to him when he asked, and he used to be able to come up with all kinds of reasons as to why Jeff being Jeff was a bad thing.

He had been in third grade when Jeff sat them down at the kitchen table. He had just made it out of that school year when the screaming started. He had been in fourth grade when his daddy left them alone with their mom. And now James was thinking about it, and he was thinking about it, and he was thinking about it, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized that there was a lot to be angry about and that his mom was the reason for most of it.

She was the one who made daddy walk out. She was the one who got cranky when he left and let it rub off on Jess and Jack. She was the one who made Jeff so upset for no reason, _no reason_. And now here he was, upset, for _no reason_. Jackson didn't like being mad, and he didn't like all of his things being broken and thrown around, but that's what he was, and that's what had happened, and it was all his mom's fault.

James thought that maybe it was her turn to have some things broken.

* * *

Jeff walked into his house hand in hand with Nick and Trent just behind to the tune of crap being thrown around upstairs. There was a shriek, and Jeff had mounted the steps in two seconds to find Jackson hugging James's arms to his sides and dragging him out of their mother's room, the younger boy red in the face and screaming and kicking for all he was worth. His mother chose that moment to rush out of the double bedroom doors with a vase in one hand about to strike-

Jeff didn't know how it happened. One second he was on the top step, Nick and Trent anxiously behind him, and the next he was in front of his mother, holding her wrist so tightly her hand was already turning purple and staring her down in a way he never would have dared to if it had been him about to be hit. "You. Do. Not. Touch. Them," he demanded through gritted teeth, struggling to hold her wrist up as she did her best to bring it down. Her eyes suddenly lit up in recognition of her action and she pulled away, albeit a bit stubbornly. "You hit me. _Me_. Not them. Not ever."

"It's not _fair_," James shrilled, and Jeff turned around to see his youngest brother's furious face and Jackson's wide but determined eyes. "It's not fair that she _treats you like that, Jeffie! _And I _hate her! I hate her, I hate her, I HATE HER!"_ he shrieked, admittedly sounding terribly deranged, and Jeff didn't exactly know what to do with him. Neither did Jackson, however one look at the other boy said he had things handled. The younger boy spat in his mother's direction.

"I hate her, too," he growled, and Nick stepped forward awkwardly.

"How about you guys all come to my house," he offered. "That's where Jeff was headed anyway." He was met with three nods, a bunch of shuffling towards the front door, and a lot of ignoring the weeping mother at the top of the stairs. Jeff hesitated in the center of the foyer, looking up at her anxiously, but Nick put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him away. "It's okay, man. It's not your problem anymore."

**Oh my gosh, ninja moment. I was writing this, and I caught a fly in one hand, opened said hand, and it flew away, completely unharmed. Jkajkfalfdlalj;as;ljasffj;alsdf;sfsa;ljk;sdjkl;asda;dlsj SO. NINJA. I COULD DIE.**

**Also, I shamelessly wrote the entire Nick confession of love to "Moments" by One Direction. And like… I just listen to that song and CRY. So when I edited this and got to that part, I was just sobbing at the memory of the song. Like… I'm eternally going to cry to this chapter for no real reason just cause "Moments" managed to engrain itself in my mind while I wrote it. It's basically like the equivalent of listening to Darren sing "Cough Syrup" for Directioners. You just listen and have no choice but to pull your knees to your chest and sob your brains out. #TrueStory**

**Also, while I'm talking 1D, I'm sure you all know the song "Gotta Be You", right? Okay, well I would always listen to the first ever British radio broadcast of it cause like… I don't know. I just always did. It made me feel proud, and that's the recording that was first ever in my hands, so it's the one I listened to, and now when it comes on without the "First play anywhere in the world of the brand new track. One Direction: "Gotta Be You". You're hearing it now on Radio 1." I JUST GET SO CONFUSED. LIKE… YOU MOCK US, SIR? Ugh, it's terrible. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Okay. Last chapter. Cause if I don't just end it now… It'll never get finished. **

**Thank you so much for sticking around despite my total slowness at the end here! I hate finishing stories! I always get all mournful and like… "AGH! I'LL MISS YOU!" You know? So yeah. Last chappy. Here we go. *sobs openly***

Jeff sat on Nick's bed next to the other boy just like usual, except this time Nick's fingers were intertwined with his _boyfriend's_ not his _best friend's_. The two could hear the rest of his siblings playing Mario Kart downstairs, screaming as they fell off the road. Apparently Jackson had decided to keep the party going… Nick had been more than willing to hand off the Wii controllers to the younger kids, desperately wanting some alone time with Jeff. He hummed.

"You know you're not allowed to go home ever again." Jeff rolled his eyes, but a small smile creeping up his face gave him away. "I'm serious," Nick continued, "I'm going to go back and get all your stuff _for _you. You're never stepping foot in there again," he told him, but this time Jeff just frowned.

"But Nick… she's my _mom_, and Jess, and Jack, and James-"

"Will be _fine_," he finished for them. "They can stay here if they need to, I'm sure my parents would be fine with it considering my mom gripes all the time about wishing she had been able to have more kids, especially with Kaylee off at college and all… Plus, it's not like I go to Dalton on a scholarship. We've got money to spare for them." Jeff still seemed uncertain, and Nick squeezed his hand a little tighter. "Let me take care of this, Jay," he begged, and Jeff looked at him steadily for a second before speaking.

"I wish I could hate her," he mulled quietly, and Nick didn't know how to respond. "I mean… It would be so much easier if I could. Then everything she said wouldn't seem so true, and I… I don't know…" Nick scooted a bit closer to the blonde. _His_ blonde.

"You do know it's _not_ true, right?" he asked, and the way Jeff bit his lip forced Nick to thwack him in the back of the head. "Jeff, don't do that. I will not have you insulting my boyfriend." Jeff sighed and let himself fall back on the mattress.

"I can't help it, Nickpea… I don't know if I approve of him for you, yet…" he said nearly inaudibly, and Nick flopped on top of him, their bodies pressing together and their faces only millimeters apart. Nick smiled down at him.

"Well, then. You obviously don't see what I see in him," he replied. Jeff –for all of his insecurities- smirked back at him playfully.

"Oh, yeah? And what's that?" he asked expectantly, and Nick beamed, kissing the taller boy's nose, marveling at how natural this felt. It was really only a step up from their friendship before. Nick definitely would have done earlier today, even if he and Jeff _hadn't_ gotten together. He played along with Jeff's game.

"Well, obviously he's hot as hell, but you most definitely knew that already…" he said, and Jeff hummed gratefully in response. "But there's more about him, too. He's intelligent, and humble, and sometimes he needs a bit of encouragement, but he's definitely the strongest person I've ever met. I feel like if you could stop being so stubborn, you'd probably really like him, too." Nick pretended to think for a moment. "But don't fall for him too hard. Cause he's all mine." Jeff actually _giggled_ beneath him, and Nick smiled contentedly. Jeff's hands tangled with his own.

"It's crazy how you do that…" he said, words warm on Nick's chin, and he remembered how close their faces were. He rolled to the side and stared up at the ceiling.

"How I do what?" he asked, and Jeff rolled over and rested his head up on his hand. Nick met his eyes.

"How you make everything so much better… It's like… It's like you come around every day and somehow make me perfect," he answered, and Nick's heart clenched a little bit and the content smile he hadn't realized he'd been wearing fell from his face a bit.

"You don't need me to make you perfect, Jeff. You already are." Jeff laughed, breathing life back into the room, the sunset outside hitting his hair and skin and giving him an ethereal glow.

"Actually, Nicky, I don't think I would be anything without you."

* * *

"Get it in, Nicky!" Trent shouted the second Nick picked up his phone later that evening. Jeff watched as his roommate's face reddened completely, the blush rapidly crawling down his neck. Jeff couldn't help but giggle as Trent continued, Thad supporting the boy's demands in the background. "Seriously! Take a stab! Get some! Stick it up in him! Make him beg! Love him _hard_. Just f-"

"Trent, you're on speaker phone and he's _right here_!" Nick interrupted, and there was the tell-tall tumbling sound of a phone being dropped and a bunch of laughter in the background. "Trent! What the heck?! You have a bunch of people over there?!" he exclaimed, and Trent made some indiscernible mumbling sounds on the other side of the line before the phone was passed up and David's voice came through the speaker.

"We've thrown an impromptu Niff party!" David said, his words a little slur cause –hey- drunken Warbler parties! "We're all here except for you, which is why Trent was _supposed_ to be calling, but sex is okay right now, too…" David told them, like he hadn't thought about what he was saying before he had said it. "But yeah!" he brightened, "Even Wes is here! Say 'hi', Wes!"

"Heeeeeeey, Ni-ffz," Wes said, hiccupping a bit, and Jeff looked over at Nick, his eyes saying it all. _Wanna be sober in the midst of a bunch of drunks?_ No. No, Nick really didn't. He put a hand over the speaker of the phone, and whispered over to the blonde.

"How long do you think this conversation will be if I don't say anything back?" he asked and Jeff snorted, holding up two fingers. "Two minutes?" Jeff shook his head. "Two hours?" Jeff nodded, and Nick plugged in his phone but kept it open, pulling out _Life_ out of his closet to silently play as David babbled into the phone and Trent whined for it back.

"And _Blaine_ is here, and _Kurt_ is here, and _Trent_ is here cause it's his house, and _Sebby_ is here, and _Thad_ is here, and _Flint_ is here…" Eventually, however, David ran out of people to list, and the phone switched hands a couple times to a bunch of whiny people who congratulated them for _finally_ getting together and complaining about just _why aren't you here_. Nick and Jeff snickered, passing by pay days and Life cards. Eventually there was a loud clatter and the other side of the line went dead. Jeff beamed as Nick stood up to click it off.

"Apparently we were destined to be together," he said, and Nick rolled his eyes.

"Apparently," he agreed, "Trent has been shipping us since day one…" Jeff ticked past him and adopted some twins in response, and Nick couldn't help but pout. "Wait, stop! No fair! I wanted twins, and all I got was a daughter!" he complained, and Jeff peered up at him like he was stupid. Cutely of course, but still…

"You've got, like, six chances, still…" he said, pointing to the other blocks with "Adopt Twins!" written on them. Nick stuck his tongue out at him.

"Right. Cause all two of those make six," he said, feigning superiority. "Learn to count, Jeff," he commanded, and the blonde laughed again. Nick hopped the sound would never stop…

* * *

"Will you be okay staying with the Duvals until their lawyers get all the emancipations settled?" Jeff asked nervously before going back to Dalton for the rest of the school year. His siblings each nodded and threw Nick's parents appreciative smiles. Mr. and Mrs. Duval were great people and had willingly opened their home and resources to Jeff in his family.

Has Jeff ever mentioned that he _really_ loved Nick?

"We'll be fine, Jeff," Jessica told him, pulling him into a big goodbye hug. "Now get in the car, or you won't get there until three in the morning," she instructed, pulling away, and Jeff wrung his hands together.

"I know, but I'm just worried that-"

"Relax, bro," Jackson said, pulling him into an embrace of his own. "The only bad part about you leaving is that we'll miss you," he assured him. "Now seriously, get driving. You don't wanna be tired for your first day back." He let him go, and Jeff nodded, James hopping into his arms before he could get anywhere. The twelve year old let him go after about ten minutes of hugging, flipping his bangs out of his face.

"See you soon, Jeffie!" he said, looking a little upset, but nothing too major, and Jeff ruffled his hair before joining Nick in his sky blue Eclipse. Nick had been watching their whole little goodbye session on the driveway, sharing happy looks with his parents every time they gave each other a hug. He smiled at his boyfriend when he climbed into the car.

"It seems like they're really gonna miss you… That was a whole lot of family love that I just saw." Jeff smiled goo-ily, looking back at his waving siblings as Nick pulled the car out of the driveway.

"Yeah… yeah it was…"

***Sobs* I'll miss you all so much and… *sobs* That was so painful… and my computer is dying to symbolized the dying of my soul right now. **

**GOODBYE FOREVER, LOVE TAPS! THANK YOU SO MUCH, YOU LOVELY REVIEWERS!**


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